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About Me Name: Alvin Age: 20 School: none Education: none
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So I went back to the doctor to take off my bandage (it has been a week after the op) and the process wasn't something to be happy either. Did I mention I had 2 bandages? 1 was the one behind the ear, which was 10 stictches long. When the nurse cut the stitches, blood oozed out like nobody's business. On top of that the alcohol she applied regularly soared my ear and it was damn pain. Then the doc took out the one inside my ear. OMFG, The whole cotton line was filled with my blood, and then he dug some stupid thing out in my ear which was SO FREAKING pain and more blood came out. Then he proceed to the nose. He sprayed some antisceptic and took some stupid stick with a cotton bud and dig the hell outta my 2 nostrils, and took a pincer to extract out this horrible, irritating slimely bloody mucous which after that, eased my breathing by 150%. OMFG it was all blood again. Blood blood blood. Rambled by kaSh at 10:08 pm What does dreams tell us? It is a matter of the day's exhaustion put together? How do you explain the recurrence ones? Do the brain cells play tricks to themselves? Why are they the predictions of the future? Is there really another "us" around us? These are the questions which are often asked by myself. Up till today, what are dreams remain a mystery to most of us, dreams, be it good or bad, may or may not serve a purpose... I dream about the place where the class used to be, used to hang out as one, to eat and dine together, to enjoy the moments as a class together, but of a different scenerio, totally out of the world kind of it thing. We ate, we chatted, we cursed and we sweared. We did all kinds of nonsense no one had ever expected. What are dreams?? In the midst of these dreams she came out, again. Often more than not dreams are just forgotten when we wake up, but the fact that she appeared made my dream remarkable, rememberable, distinguished and special. Why? Why do you have to do this to me? Now I understand. Now I comprehand how it feels like... Let our dreams wonder... Rambled by kaSh at 2:15 pm To the particular person: I knew how you felt, I knew it all along. I knew how the admiration became what it was meant more, I knew what had happened. It might be a little late, perhaps over a year which you would think, I did not know things could turn out like that at that time, but it was over, and already a year over, and I am glad, you had go on. I just wanna say, I am sorry. In fact, I did concern you. I did mention your name to her. I did ask how were you, I did appeal to the teachers of you getting back to the team, I did do things for you. Perhaps you did not know me well enough, for I did the turns you may not or never know, were things which brightened up your life, somehow or another. You should have understood, for what had made me for what I became, was to keep a mum of my feelings, my trues feelings, the torment I had been through, made me for what I am now, I do not know how to express my feelings anymore, anymore... Rambled by kaSh at 2:54 am For those who do not know, I just had my operation yesterday. I had my right ear drum (middle ear) grafted with a piece of skin inside my outer ear, which the doctor cut open my ear through the back and operated directly into my middle ear. And he passed electromagnetic current through my nose to apparently, shrink the swollen bits to aid me to breathe better in the future. Now my nose is even more blocked (it will be over in a few days) and I cannot breathe through my nose, I need to breathe through my mouth which it must be kept moist every few hours. And my ear, it is bandaged and blocked with a cotton stick which extends from the outside of my ear all the way to the ear drum. I can't hear with my right ear right now. I am sorta, suffering because the feeling sucks. I cannot eat hard things because the motion will affect my middle ear. I cannot blow through my nose because the pressure will damge my middle ear. I hope no one will suffer like this. Rambled by kaSh at 9:48 pm The future will not come if the past does not leave. How much truth is that? It is because of that nostalgic feeling I have in my life occasionally makes me ponder about how wonderful I was during my schooling days of life. How hilarious the fun was as a class in secondary school, how much fun we had as a group, cycling to nearly impossible places which we ultimately did it, having supper every other night, teasing and scolding one another out of the blue, catching movies together, and so on? And it has been years since we do that. Every single person of my life has drifted away from me. At least the closest people I have in my life had. I am glad, really glad we still keep in contact with one another. Whenever I look at the photos, I shed a tear. I was happy, for all the memories they have given to me; the class, the people, the environment, everything. I loved my life. It was complete at that point of time. It was... The memories I have will not be erased. It will be brought with me till the end.. Till the end of time... And of course every single operation has it risks, nevertheless I have to go through another, success or not, it all depends on the theatre. I am afraid. I am so scared, but I do not want to show it out. I need someone to hug, someone to confide, something which cannot be done anymore. Too afraid I am to mention the risks, I do not know, if I have the choice I would rather not have such sickness, be it minor or major, it definitely has its risks. If I can look forward to a thing, that is to go back to the life of a student again, but I know, it will never be the same again. If I have a wish, I wish to go back to the times when I was 16 again, never will I grow up ever again. The countless of exams I do not mind, the responsibilities I do not have, just a class of friends to be with me, to have fun and carefree, to enjoy what it is all over, again... Where is the future, when my past has not left me? Rambled by kaSh at 1:46 am I run... I run because I fear, I fear that I will shed a tear, A tear which drops from my heart, and another for you, thirty miles apart. I run because I doubt, I doubt myself for everything Everything which I love, Everything which I want. I run because I forget, Forget all the troubles, All the troubles which bring pain and suffering All the troubles which tear me down into nothing. I run because I remember, Remember the times we had together Together was the word we made Falling apart was what I hate. I run because it seems so far, So far from my piercing heart So far from the deepest wounds So far, from the miserable tones. I run because I think, I think I could make it to the end The end of what we call the beginning For the beginning, is actually nothing. I run because I feel, I feel the wind breezing through my skin, I feel the sweat dripping into my eyes, I feel your presence by my side. I run because I look I look around deep inside, Deep inside what everyone can be, Deep inside, things which I could see. I run because I'm afraid Afraid to lose you at the beginning, Afraid that beginning was just imagining, Imagining of what we would be. I run because I perspire, To fill up all my current desires. Desires to hide away from the gospel of truth, Retire away from the darkness and shame. I run, I run for there is too far for me to catch I run for there is too great for me to reach I run for the one who inspires me I run for the one who desires me I run for the one who breaks my heart I run for the one who crushes me apart I run for the beautiful someone I run for the gorgeous someone I run for the one who seeks the truth I run for the one, the one who is just you... Rambled by kaSh at 10:13 pm You never fail to pass by me, pretending to be busy, with the light on your head switched off, driving off the street, without noticing the desperate boy. You never fail to thrill me, for traveling more than the speed limit on narrow roads, for making a turn with a high speed, for the sudden halt in the middle of the junction. You never fail to fetch me whenever I hoist, for the questions you ask are somewhat irrelevant, for the demands you requested are simply redundant. You never fail to exceed the meter by going through big turnabouts, winding into some unknown place you claim faster. You never fail to wait until the clock past 12, for the charge you collect will rise, for it will create a larger hole in my pocket, the fun I have after midnight was a costly one. And of course, you never fail to stop in a hurry before me, without looking at your rear, without realising the beginner wants to clear the lane, without considering how so irritating it was to swirve around you, when the opposite lane is filled with trucks. I thank you, my humble taxi drivers. Rambled by kaSh at 2:28 pm Being involved in politics is somewhat not a really nice thing to be in, at least for my case, working in an office type of place and in game politics do really suck at times. Of course nothing in this world is perfect, at least, but it cannot be that bad though.. I realise that money is really hard to earn. Sometimes in a blink of an eye I spent around 500 bucks. I don't really mind that much amount of money spent, however not on junk stuff. I rather spend it on books and all, at least it increases my knowledge somehow or rather, than on drinking.. and yeah, I am drinking frequently, I shouldn't be... I remembered there was once I argued with Eunice over her table or room being messy and it is a more natural state. And she told me neatness is her natural state. Haha. And the debate went on, and I tried to explain to her in terms of the Second Law of Thermodynamics which is the entropy will either remain the same or increases with time in an enclosed system. I am still correct, because it is definately impossible for you to get back to an orginal state whereby the energy will remain a clutter again. I will write about it another time, so stay tuned for my debate. And it has been a long time since I try to date a girl out and I almost forgotten how to do. Is that really that kind of destruction I had upon after more than a year of antoganised suffering? Oh my... Rambled by kaSh at 11:30 pm |
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