Thursday, November 03, 2005

It was so amazing how much we had gone through, the times we had spent together, the roamings around the streets aimlessly, hoping and wishing something would happen, then suddenly we would just think of something simple to do, like perhaps catching a simple show, and so on..
Sometimes days were so stressful that I comforted you. Although it was just a simple "take good care of yourself" or "relax lah", I meant it from the bottom of my heart. The tone did not sound what I actually meant, however things were always seemed otherwise, the mistaken side of actions and words I'd done and spoken.
Then it came whereby I shared things with you. Stuff which I needed someone to confide to. I knew for a few moments you tried to do that to me too, but I was indifferent at that time, never noticed an such who was all along beside me, waiting for me to discover her inner beauty.
After all the thoughts, I decided to tell you how I felt. Naturally it was astonishing. From that onwards, everything changed. Everything changed for the worse.
We started on with minor squibbles. Then quarrels and gradually shouted at each other. From time and again I did not know who was in the wrong. I blamed everything to myself, I held the responsibility of causing the tears in your heart. Somehow or rather everything just came back again, and it became worse.
Then it naturalised again. I was happy. I thought everything could be redone again. No I was wrong. The eventual results was all but I did not desire.
When you were out there somewhere, everything I sat down, thinking and praying for your safety, wondering about your whereabouts, thinking of you time and again. I missed you so badly, so much that I could not even sleep normally. Every night I longed for you to come back again, telling me that you are still there for me, still with me like you always did.
But things turned the other way round. The day you told me to discontinue everything was the day I started to break down. It was the day I started to get drunk. Drunk for the first time and I did not know what I had done that night. Smoking was bad. Somehow I was overtaken by something so devastating, breaking down and submitted to the cigarettes which I had previously sworn not to take any of them.
I took 4 months to recover the agony. Everything went well and I got on with life, erasing the memories I had with you. Everything regarding you was put aside, out from my heart, out from my mind.
After a year of agony, somehow we have to accept things will not change ultimately. I still feel the pain in my heart. I still feel the devastation, the regretfulness, the everything. I tried every single way to get rid of you, but I just could not, for one thing you left without even looking into my eyes, for one you left without even saying goodbye...
Deep deep inside my heart, no one can convince myself to forget about you, because you left a great impact upon my life, my everything. I felt lost, and still feel lost up till now.... and I know eventually how much have I longed for you, we must understand that we are not meant for each other, anymore...
I just can't take the agony anymore...
Rambled by kaSh at 9:50 pm

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