This is my story...

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

I cannot emphasize any further how OETI rocked so much. I miss the environment. I miss the people there, the ambience, the structure of learning, the just-right pace of hands on, the instructors, the system, everything.... everything there. Although it is far from my house, I would rather choose to be there if I have another choice, in my NS life. Never I have ever felt so much like a part of something, be it a small event or a big family, this was the first time I have ever felt so much bonding between the people around me... everyone is a part of everybody, we do things together, and never before we gave up on any obstacles laid in front of us.

But things will definately change in this new and, well I would say fucked up environment. I felt unseay, a bad omen I feel. Maybe it is because this is the first time I am in a new camp, doing the same, old stuff, and with different instructors, with different rules and regulations to be followed, different styles and patterns to be understood.

I do not know why, why everytime do I have to feel so suffocated, so uncomfortable, so dreadful when I enterea new environment. I feel like something has been taken off from me, I feel so lifeless, so remorseful, so sad, as if I have just entered a dungeon of solitary confinement. I feel so weak to accept something which I am forced to, something which I do not choose to go to, my freedom is robbed away in that sense, I cannot chooose something I wanted.

The feeling of knowing that you are going to leave somewhere to places new, unfamiliar and you have no choice to rejecit it, sucks totally. Perhaps I am not used to the environment. For long I have wanted to confide my problems to someone reliable, for long I wanted to tell someone, sometimes things may just be so screw up that life just sucked at that moment. For long I though I have found someone who could do that to me, but I was not certainly, entire correct...

I have emotions. Sometimes what I feel may not be the way you feel. You do not know how I feel at that point of time simply because you are not in my shoes. I just need you to be there, not physically, just some words of console and comfort, and that will definately brighten up my day..

I am afraid of telling my problems to people already. I do not want to bottle them up either. I feel my heart cries whenever I do that. The feeling is just simply unbearable. I could not describe. Haiz.

Perhaps the first day did not leave me a good impression of this camp, that was why I feel so down. My morale was so low, so low that I felt like dying. I did not know who to consult to, simply because of my mentality. Maybe some of you will deem me as a childish mindset, or whatever. I need time to adapt myself. I always appreciate the past more than the current when I left them.

I always appreciate the people after I realised that they are actually that nice.

I don't wanna take things for granted either.

Everything just pains my heart so deeply. I could not get what I wanted, I could not find someone to console me, I appreciated everything only to know that I'd lose them.

This world is so remorseful when you look at the side which you really want to change.

Haiz...

Rambled by kaSh at 7:47 pm