This is my story...

Friday, July 08, 2005

Great news of the day: I accidentally spoilt a rifle while repairing. SAR21. Great. You know what's the penalty for damaging a weapon? 7 years in Detention Barracks. Ok lah not so jia lat. Maybe a week or so. Oh, DB is just like a prison for military personnel. Sad. Hope I will not get into that damn place.

Ok let's sort this thing out. If I sound rude or crude or somehow I apologize ok. I don't mean that. Ok whatever. 90% of the population will THINK that I mean it and because of that they will ASSUME I am rude and all that and they will JUDGE me without knowing how I feel. That's human nature. I don't blame it. I act indifferently towards it.

I am a problematic child. Yes. I give LOTS of problems, for instance damaging the goddamn rifle, complaining about almost EVERYTHING under the sun such as why the hell must I get posted to such a far place at Bouna Vista when I live in Tampines, not thanking god that I get to come home to sleep everynight, getting up so damn early in the morning, feeling so jealous of others who can sleep a lot later but reach the camp on the same time.

That's not all yes. I have LOTS of problems too. I have severe attitude problem. A big one. Yes. I talk like a goddamn holigan (which more or less can be understood through the entries I've posted), I walk like I own the whole world and I stare people like they owe me lotsa money, say, 100k each.

And one of the most severe and uncurable problems I have ever had is my love life. Yeah. Love life. All I have are flings and all that which I considered wasting of my precious time and money on all these stuff. Perhaps people with lotsa flings won't get to find their true love, or is it only me? I strongly think so.

But I am different (or am I the same as everyone else). I treat almost everyone the same. Ok yeah maybe sometimes if you are such an asshole which I don't really like you during school days, just that I've seen you bloody face and I know that you are the one pain in the ass fella there, and suddenly, somehow or rather I have to face you to accomplish some tasks, although indirectly, ok those are the scenarios which I'll definately withdraw you out of my "carelist". Too bad. I just do not like your face unless you can prove me otherwise.

Or maybe sometimes you are the one my heart tells me that, yeah you are the one. (ok there are many the ones out there, and this applies to ladies only please, I am not gh3y). I don't know. But usually what I say to these people (Ok, person, not people, I do not have THAT much ones around me. You get what I mean.) is true. Maybe towards a certain extent or whatever.

And when things don't work out well (Ok sometimes life really sucks when things won't work out well twice or thrice in a row, that's what I am experiencing now, and yeah you all can fucking laugh for all I care. I suck at all these), something will occur. Yeah. Just like those idiotic assholes who never thought og London could win the 2012 Olympic Games host and they started to do funny things which caused alot of people injured. Fuck them seriously. Things obviously did not work well with them.

Yeah back to the topic, when things don't work out well such things will occur again. Things like whatever we had previously will be really difficult to retrieve back, because basically everyone in this world will THINK that you will repetitatively do the SAME OLD THINGS to get things well again. Ok I admit, who doesn't want things to work out well for himself? But wait, we are humans, at least I am one, or I CAN be considered one although I am evil, nevertheless not to such an extent which I can be considered as a beast, I understand that things I do, many will mistaken as the "SAME OLD THINGS" will resurface or at least people will think that I THINK that will happen. Sounds complicated? Ok well wait, as far as I want it, I know there's a limit to everything. I know how to think, please. Please. Please.

Yeah like what I've said, perhaps things weren't ready, and I NEVER liked to discuss about all these things, ok, I've gotten sensitive for the past year and I feel a little awkward while discussing all these things, which I of course if possible, will try to wait for the right time to come and shoot it out. Yeah. But somehow or rather I don't understand why these have to happen right here, right now, at this point of our lives, at this point which I AM SERIOUSLY NOT looking forward to life, due to firstly, the conscripted army of our beloved country, secondly I NEVER had enough money, thirdly I feel that I am such an anti-social son of a biatch in camp and lastly why can't I have what I wanted back again.

Which brings me to this point of what I am really trying to say.

Firstly I am not ready for anything, everything. I am not ready to graduate out from that stupid course of mine, ain't ready to go into Uni (duh) and most importantly not ready for such things to happen between you and me. So why did we talk about this then? The reason's simple, it hurts to hide in there. It's better to let it all out before I get crazier and start to take my rifles out to spray at people.

Secondly, too bad everything's out. I've expected things will be like that, with you complaining to me being so tired about everything, and me, of course I never said all these to you because seriously would you give a shiet?

Thirdly, yeah, I also want to share my ups and downs with you. Of course I want. For the past months I've been doing that. As I've said, too bad, shiet has been out, so I am still wondering if I can do that.

Oh wait, I didn't say that it's ok if those things are not done. Please understand. It's never ok, never. Have I not told you how much you meant to me?

Forthly, people reading this will be laughing and find it so damn stupid that why the hell am I talking about all these things, oh perhaps my flings will come and say "Here he goes again with his lame crap getting everyone hooked and all that". Oh seriously I don't give a fuck please.

The reason is simple. My heart (yeah that piece of muscle right at the centre of your lungs, ok, slightly left, covered by your ribcages) tells me (no it doesn't talk to me, it pumps blood into my brains and the blood contents said all that) that you are simple the ONE. Yeah. The one referring to someone who I can confide, blah blah blah, I am sure you know what I am referring to and saying, love, like, care, hate.... no not hate of course!

Too bad they say it takes two hands to clap. Oh in this case I am being slapped.

I don't mean to be nasty or anything. I wrote all these because sometimes I felt really frustrating bottling up all these things inside me, and I feel really F up when I just cannot figure out what I wanna say or do, you know, I have this feeling in me that it really sucks sometimes to have words not mentioned out and have teared not flowed out.

All I want in the ultimate end is of course a happy ending for both of us. Of course not those fairy tales whereby the princes and princesses will live happily ever after in a stupid palace full of maids and servants wiping their asses every single day, but in reality the context is different; you may end up together, or separate ways (happily lah duh), but it's still a happy ending, right?

The way you put your words into action is a little overboard. You made me think that I do not have the brains to differentiate what is a friend from more than a friend or an apple from a pear. I do alot of thinking, more than anyone else could have imagine. I do alot of reflections and all that you all may considered nonsensical and redundant. Yeah I love to do rubbish things ok?

Oh and if you guys find some emails or bulletins or blogs or whatever and you come across this phrase "to love someone is to let him/her/it/them go", it's true, although sometimes the wordings maybe be irritating with crap colours or aLtErNaTe cAps. Please bear with the curious ones ok?

Yeah it's true, and of course something truthful is something which is done or have to be done. Believe it or not it's up to the others.

Eventually I still hope to get what I want, by the selfless, smooth and natural way. What the hell.

Sorry for such a long entry. Thank you very much for reading till here. It shows that I ain't writing rubbish. They are from my heart.

Rambled by kaSh at 8:04 pm