This is my story...

Friday, April 22, 2005

***Warning: 2,055 words. Longest entry ever.***

Dear Mum and Dad

This is by far the longest period of my life living out of house. I remembered the only times which I wasn't at home were at chalets, and they lasted for not more than two nights. This time I will be gone for 2 weeks, and subsequently 5 more weeks with only freedom on the weekends. For the past 19 years both of you have nurtured me into a boy, although I know that sometimes I am quite mischievous, you all don't seem to mind at all. Now I am becoming a man, not a boy anymore, as you all have always long this period for your son.

I will not be able to sleep comfortably on my bed, play computer games late in the night, talking on the phone and sometimes waking you all up and get scolded and feeding the dog with sumptuous food. This will be a new chapter of my life, changing from a boy to a real man.

I feel a great sense of achievement by being your son; I hope I never let you down, by entering University was one of your dreams for me, and now, I will bring pride to the country, not as a civilian, but as a soldier, and I hope I won't let you down this time.

To the badminton ladies and gentlemen

When I first went back to TPJC after I graduated, I thought I will be outcast. Luckily I had another friend of mine who was willing to go back with me. I felt a sense of nostalgia, at the same time, I thought I would be really extra, interfering your training sessions, disturbing what's not my problem anymore and all the things. I don't belong to the school anymore you see.

But no. The boys team, you guys are really fun. It was after I'd graduated I found out that you guys are not like any other teams which I saw for the past 2 years. Although small, I love the company really much. Alton, Eng Liang, Elvin, Nicholas, Daryl, Alrif... I apologise for being really loud at times, being an asshole and those shiet but somehow or rather I wasn't hated by you all, instead you guys treated me as a family. For the past 4 months, though short, I could feel that I am in the team again. You all didn't leave me out for anything, instead wanted me to be part of it, it was really nice. I apologise for those stupid footworks and ranting at you all at times, but I did those for you own good. At least you all had a senior coming back to help out. I apologise for my limited talent for the game, otherwise I will impart them to you all without regret.

I appreciate those chat sessions we had occasionally and such, you all didn't leave me out like you all did to someone else. I wish you guys good luck, and you'll see me again.

It is fate that brought us together. Sometimes I wondered what would happen if I did not step into the school right after I'd graduated. But that's destiny. Destiny brought us to know one another. The glorifying ladies. Michelle, Beverly, Qi Yin, Jing Fang. I realised that we did not have any link into knowing one another but somehow or rather my trips back to school paid off by making friends with you ladies. I really really apologise for being unable to teach as much things as I could. I wanted to, I wanted to teach badly, because most of you have the potential, I felt that it was a pure waste for not unleashing that talent in you all.

Thought a short period of time, I realised that you ladies are really fun. Due to some limitations and such it was inevitable and regretful for not imparting my skills to you. Jing Fang, though I don't really know you, but I believe that you are a really sweet girl. Though we seldom talk nowadays, I remembered you as a sweet friend of mine. Mich and Bev, you two are always together and because of that, it's cute! Sorry, the most was the footwork, we didn't have much time you see. Remember to do your wristwork, and the basic position; you hit when the ball is the highest, your biceps touching your ear, and bend your arm before swinging. Bev is really hardworking, and please do continue to be like that, you will have your 3 distinctions guaranteed. Qi Yin, the infamous Ah Lian... nothing to talk about you lah. hahaha.

Though not a big deal, I feel that this will be another chapter of my life and for the past 4 months, I think I have not wasted them on working. Sometimes being rich isn't owning money and materials, but instead the friendships that I've moulded for the past 4 months, is enough to make me rich for the entire rest of my life. Being a soldier, not going to be hanged, that is why there isn't any big deal, however I wrote this because I want all of you to be remembered, so ten years down the road when I review my blog, I will think back; I didn't waste my 4 months like most of the people said; slacking at home. I've found new friends who worth much much more than money.

To the girl who has her place in my heart

Maybe by the time you've read this, you will know who you are, or rather if you do read this at all. When I first met you, I told myself; it doesn't harm to approach your of a conversation or two, and so I did. Just by exchanging a few words I knew what the person is in you. I told my friends around me, I knew a girl who is close to what I call 'the perfect one' for me.

But then again I suffered setbacks from my previous relationship. You were one of them who slapped me and woke me up from my endless whining of the world. I realised that yeah life isn't all about the past, it's the future. You said if the people around me could handle such things, why not me?

I was really unstable at those moments, but you are the only truly girl who I can speak to comfortably, again. I've realised that I've not done anything nice or touching to attract your attention; somehow or rather I was really afraid to do that again. I was afraid that I will fall again. So I kept within my heart since the time came. I never really expressed my feelings, maybe my actions showed a little, maybe you had your suspicions, but nevertheless you didn't question me on that, I felt relieved.

And now, thought still confused inside, I would like to tell you that I've fallen down. But I know it is impossible for us to be like what I yearning for, that's the reason why I didn't say it out. There were times which I felt really uncomfortable chatting with you, not because of you, but it's me. I didn't know what to do, and sometimes I felt really difficult approaching you face to face. I don't know why.

The truth is it's coincidental. But sometimes I really felt you are disturbed and upset through your SMS messages, despite asking, you didn't tell me about it. I felt really sad at those moments; unable to help you and I felt useless. I can't concentrate well on doing my stuff, I cannot sleep in the night, partly because I know that you are down, and partly because I didn't know what to do. Should I stay or go?

I really enjoyed your company at times. The things that we chatted; practically everything under the sun. You are someone who never fails to amuse me and I like it really much. You solved my problems just by a few words which I really appreciate it. But sometimes my heart aches, the feeling of someone who is beside you, and she isn't yours, really really hurts.

I am sorry to make you cry. I didn't meant to hurt you in any ways. I am really sorry. I am sorry to look fierce to you, I am sorry for having a harsh tone at times, I am sorry for treating you so badly, I am sorry for those words which seemed to sound really crude, but deep in my heart I knew I didn't mean that. I am sorry to lie at you, lying about you aren't the one in my dreams, lying about you aren't the one who I am thinking of most of the times, lying about the reasons for doing something for you are no reasons at all. I am sorry that I cannot speak the truth to you, because I knew that if I had done it, something severe will happen. Keeping them in my heart really hurts, especially at times I get to see you. I am sorry for being the baddest guy you've ever met. I am sorry for being the first person who was so really mad at you. I am sorry I wasn't good enough to help you in your homework. I am sorry for making fun at you most of the time. I am sorry for unable to be there for you, to solve your problems when you needed me. I am sorry for the sudden change in temper at times.

Maybe you are the better girl... no, I don't wish to compare you with others. Because I knew that if I do, every trait of yours will be better than the others. Sometimes I wish to stop, stop thinking about this. Life goes on yeah, and I am moving on with my life, but somehow or rather I stopped and looked around and I've found you. Whether or not you were standing there waiting for someone, I didn't know.

You said it was really a suffering for the girl if her boyfriend enters the army, leaving her alone. I find your words meaningful. In fact I always cherish your words, because you are simply the apple of my eye.

If looking at you causes me to have stomach cramps and pains, I would rather suffer in silence, just to see you every single minute.

If you appearing my dreams is a nightmare, then I would rather have nightmares for the rest of my life, and I still sleep peacefully.

If just by being with you makes me sick, then I would rather spend the money on my medication fees till eternity, so that I can be with you.

If driving you around will cause me to get involved in collisions with other vehicles, then I would rather drive a big bus, so that I will leave unhurt at the end of the incident, realising that you are fine too.

I would rather make you fat than to make you cry. Because I don't mind you physical appearance a decade later, but I mind hurting your fragile heart which cannot be heal even after a century of bitterness.

If crying on my shoulder makes you feel better, I don't mind being your tissue paper.

If it takes a day or two for you to reply me, then I will always be there waiting for the replies, no matter how long it takes.

I don't know. This is the matter which I wanted to say it out, but I didn't know how to say, and for the past few days I cannot sleep, just because I know that I am going into the army, and I have things to tell you, but I couldn't...

In fact I dreamt of you most of the time. There was this time I dreamt of you seeing me off to the army camp. You gave me a surprise. You told me to take care when you were leaving. You were there at the moment when I turned into a soldier from a cilivian. Your presence was really worthwhile. But it's all a dream..

I will miss you all, especially you...

Rambled by kaSh at 10:23 am