This is my story...

Tuesday, March 01, 2005

You think we should talk about this? Goddamnit. I don't know how to phrase it in another way. There are so many things to say but I just can't type it out publically and let the whole world know. Tell me what should I do? Sometimes I really wonder what the hell is wrong with me? Is it you or is it me? I have so many things to explain, so many things to mention, so many things to repeat, so many things to tell you but I don't have the chance to, and you don't have the time.

Try? Yes I wanna. but I don't know how and where and when to start. I don't wanna be too late. I will goddamn regret again. I hate this. I don't know when's the correct time.

Did I mention something about interested in, like and love? Though 3 different emotions but it all breaks down to something which can be felt in the heart, just it's a matter of strength when you use those words. The difference for me? I wont't really wanna care what happens to the girl if I am interested in her, or just rather, wanna get to know her more... I don't mind bragging over the phone or over msn that I am out with this girl who I barely knew for a week, and I don't mind that after that I've found out that she has another guy, which I don't really feel hurt in somehow or any other ways.

It's just someone who I wanna know more, someone who I find it, yeah maybe we can go further than that, but that's the future... the feeling isn't there.. THAT feeling isn't there. It's just not there.

Like? Oh man I don't know how to explain once it's beyond "interested in". Flirting around? Like more in depth of flirting? Maybe go out on dates or something, something's inside my heart which tells me that this is the one girl, but often or not, someone will just step into my world and give me a better feeling than her, and the target changes... feeling of like? Maybe somehow insecure or insincere if you wanna say, maybe somehow just some dates which I don't really wanna remember... but I still do cherish some unforgettable moments such as a nice romantic dinner or just a simple movie. Somehow this feeling I cannot really describe though.. maybe if you feel hurt then I feel it too, it's considered like... maybe if you are willing to hold my hand and allow me to, it's considered like.... maybe you agree to walk the beach with me, maybe it's considered like..

How about love? Someone who I cannot live without. Someone who I really can depend on, someone who I don't mind being with the rest of my life. Something which I cannot describe fully, because I've only been in love once, the others were, like, interested in, inflatuation, or whatever shiet you wanna call that. Love? It cannot be vanished over a couple of weeks, months or years. How about that description? Getting jealous over someone else? Jealous and admiration are two different things.

For instance, the girl of my dreams had a boyfriend. Ok, I wasn't jealous because I didn't have that feeling there. I admire that guy 'cause he has the girl of my dreams. Lucky bastard. And I absolutely don't give a shiet on whatever she does with her boyfriend. Period. Because it isn't like or love. It's different.

How about you? You want me to tell you the truth? Well perhaps you don't really care... because sometimes I think I am inferior to you already. Things change you know. From the expectation of you taking the initiative, it changes to I am the one who will be doing, and I know it won't be so easy as it was anymore.

I cared too much on what people said in the past. Screw them and fuck them. They don't control my life. I control it myself. Maybe that was one of the reasons which led me till today. What if history can be changed?

Screw the history books. If it was changed, I won't be here, and this will not happen. I don't want this to happen, but it happened eventually, and I would like to go back to the past to screw up everything just for me and myself, and I know I am being selfish. I cannot be like this. But all I want is just another chance? Maybe what I said in the past was f up. Something tells me that this thing isn't over, at least it a weak burning flame is in there... something which can be rekindled... yeah.. so how about it?

WTF. Something's wrong with me again. And all you fuckshiets out there can choose not to care. I write this because I feel like it. You can write down your comments but I will still go by my way, I control my life.

I know it's too long. If you bother to read it, thank you. And for the rest of you who bother to read it, thank you too.

How about a simple, romantic lunch with me some time in the future?

Rambled by kaSh at 1:58 am