This is my story...

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

It didn't get any better. Or at least it did. Felt a little better. Just a little. I could get out of my bed and at least walked around my house after lying on there for the whole goddamn afternoon. I didn't know why. Perhaps it's the results? Perhaps knowing the truth which I already known, but not wanting to hear it from that very person? Perhaps it's just me. I feel really lonely. No one's there when I need them most. No one. I tried calling around. Everyone's busy. I realised that I have a major flaw: I wasn't what I used to be. Lifestyles changed. Everyone changed. Everything's drifting apart. Further away... I can feel... it is so damn real.

This is the real world. Not in fantasies, storybooks, TV shows or whatever. Every single mistake counts. Fuck. I should have realised it. I guess I know why I like to sleep, because I will be indulge in some fantasies which I will never achieve it in real life. In reality, I am just someone, like every other, waiting for time to pass, waiting for my time to be up, go to hell, and burn in there for eternity.

I felt really hopeless. Suddenly I thought the whole world meant nothing to me. Everything was nothing to me. I am depressed. But in that state I still could say something which I wanted to say to someone. Maybe she's the cure? I'll never know, because whatever things which are best hoped for, will not come so easily, so facilely, as if it is written in books...

At least there are people look up upon me and told me I ain't useless, just that most of the people out there can't see the light in me. My dearest mei of all, who knows everything, listened to me complaining and didnt even tried to ignore at all. Someone who I barely know for 2 weeks, yeah less than 2 weeks, told me things which as if she had known me for more than 5 years. Things which I don't think someone who knows you for 2 weeks will even give a fuck about it. They say it's just people don't appreciate and treasure things which are placed in front of them. I do sound like 'treasures' to them eh? But I really appreciate their words. It partially healed me.

Whats more can you ask for? When you are down the people you expected most aren't there for you, instead people who just, by fate and coincidence, walked into your life in just a matter of days, months or years, some even you don't really wanna talk to, came in and told you things you wanna hear from those you expected most, come to think of it, it's a blessing.

And I've made the whole world irritated today. I am sorry Mary, sorry Qi Yin, and a few others. I know it doesn't involves you, but I am really sorry.

Then again, I felt really down. This entry says it all. I don't care if I've blamed the world for it, the thing is I didn't blame anyone, except for myself. Let me say this, it's hard, really really hard not to think of it, it's easy to say, and I really do appreciate each time you tell me "do not think too much", "it's ok", "you aren't good for nothing", "cheer up" and those simple encouraging words, really appreciate them very very much.

It is still really hard to do them. I am sorry. I don't wanna give up. Please be there for me when I need you. Anyone will do.

Rambled by kaSh at 1:12 am