This is my story...

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

I still think this entry was a really sweet one by me.

"I still talk about you often.. I still mention you in front of my friends.. I still think about you day and night... part of you is found inside me... I still say you were the best... you are still the best.. you are the only one who was willing to be there for me... who was willing to stand my stupid temper and not say anything, not resisting, not standing up to voice your opinion, not even wanna say what you felt that you were right at that time...

Every night you would do the same thing; the SMSes, different SMSes personally written by you, and all coveyed the same message... to tell me that you were going to bed... to say "Goodnight Dear" every night, without fail... "I will go to bed first.."every, single night of my life...

I took it for granted... yes I really took it for granted... I thought you were expected to do it sometimes.. when we were at that point of time... but no... it wasn't the case at all.. you did it coz you loved me, coz I was part of you at that point of time... you did that, although I know it was just only goodnight messages from you, but I could feel the sincerity from it even from now, at this point of time, I still miss them... how I wish it will be back again... and it will be there forever..

I was immature, really ungrateful for thinking of that kind of thought, of ending it so early over one silly thing.. I thought I was superior, my ego took over me, I wanted full control, I was really stubborn, I thought by doing things my way you would be happy...

No, I was wrong. I was wrong all the while. Just because you didnt turn up for my chalet, doesn't mean you did not love me anymore.. it wasn't that case.. I understood your plight at that time... you were in a difficult stage at that point of time... and when you had explained to me, I showed as if I did not care at all... what the hell am I thinking?

Not your fault to cause all the mess. I know it was difficult for you to accept me as a whole. But you tried. You tried and I knew. I knew because you showed. You showed me by ever compromising me. I was, at that point of time, really thought I was correct all the while... all the while not even wanting to compromise you for what you have done for me... all I did was to sit there and receive your messages in the night, sometimes not even wanting to reply.

On that night, I said this to you. "It was until now I truly realise how much I loved you, how much things I could not have done without you." Despite the fact, we proceed on what we thought... that was the most devastating night of my life, something which I REALLY DID NOT want to do it at all... because at that point of time, nothing from me had changed for you, nothing. It was just growing.... growing stronger... I was afraid.. I said I was immature... if I had got you back at the next day, things will not turn out this way..

How much have I regretted losing someone like you.. Life goes on... Sometimes it is really really very hard to let go something which you really put in your everything to commit... and I did commit. Yes I did. Although my ego took over me, it didn't mean I did not. It didn't mean I did not love you as much as I asked you for the first time. It was growing... all along...

14th Sept was the beginning. I still remembered the day we started of... really well...

It's the future now... I am still holding back... some things just cannot be changed, cannot be forgotten, cannot be left unfelt even after a long, long time..

I still have you in my heart. As always. Nothing's changed. No less. Why? Simply because you are still the one."

I don't care what you all say, I think it's sweet. So screw you if you were saying "oh what an ass praising his own writings." or "I don't give a shiet." Argh just fuck off.

Opportunity doesn't knock your door twice. I believed it has knocked onto my door and straight into my face for a few million times, it's just that I didn't catch it and let it slip away. Well in your life you will find at least a few people who appreciate whatever you do... sometimes sparks doesn't occur because the opportunity has already slipped away.

PS: The above entry was just something which I feel it's really meaningful for me, of all the entries I've written I find this a really nice one, for if I were to go back to read from Day 1 until now, I love this entry the best. Nothing's intended. I hope you won't mind because it speaks of you. Because I knew that what's in the past is in the past, though it has already ended for more than 2 years, I still cherish the moments we had.

Once again nothing's intended and such. However you can treat it as I wanna rekindle something or whatever is it gonna be, whatever it is, my intentions are clear. Yes, no doubt you have a place in my heart but it's sad that I do not have a place in yours anymore. Even if my intention was to bring back something, you won't wanna comply because it's simply something one-sided.

I typed this simply because I cannot sleep, simply because you just hover through my mind. Well you will blame me for being shallow again, for being somehow immature and not wanting to move on with my life.. yes of course there are potentially better girls than you do, as what you've said. For the past 2 years it has been ups and downs for me and I'm sure you've heard some of it. But I don't think I will recall them after another 2 or 3 years, simply because they did not leave that kind of impression inside me. I don't call them "potentially better girls than you" because they aren't able to capture me like you do after 2 years, or 3, or 4...

And I wrote this simply because we will feel awkward when we meet and sometimes engaging into such conversations. By dwelling onto you doesn't mean I am not moving on with my life. It's different when someone sits there for 2 years waiting for a girl and someone who moves on, searching for something better for 2 years, thinking of what he had done to that girl which was absurdly f up, and then finally thinks that there isn't any better ones than that girl. Some may say this as a flirtatious kind, but I don't fucking care, because I know what I am doing, if not, I will do it on impulse and not going through 2 years of shiet and instead just asking you to come back 2 months later which I think it WILL NOT ever work out if our thought aren't that mature.

It wasn't anger, it was somehow sad that I've missed that opportunity. It was somehow regretful doing things that I have not done and not doing things that I should have done. It was somehow really sad because after all these years something similar in you and me turns out to be something different. It was somehow sad because this is only one sided. It was somehow sad because of what memories we had, we won't wanna bring them back again. Perhaps there are more memoriable ones for you than the period we had, too bad, that's another sad part.

I know it still won't work because this is only the third time I am rephrasing the infamous setence into long paragraphs and grandmother stories and you said even if I phrase it in a million ways it still wont work. I still have 900,000 over rephrasing to do, and I know it still won't work.

But I want it to.

Holy crapshiet.

Rambled by kaSh at 2:27 am