This is my story...

Monday, November 08, 2004

I am stressed. Feeling stressed, down.. there is fear, there is hatred in me. There is somewhat something's lost in me. Someone's taking 'something' from me. I know, it isn't that something, it doesn't belong to me, past, present, future, never was and will it be.

Something has crawled into my heart, like a thousand knives pierced deep into the centre of it. The pain is unbearable, the feeling is inadmissible, it is as if a thousand sharks, a thousand worms, a thousand insects scavaging the walls my heart, vanishing my heart slowly. The feeling of pain, the feeling torment, affliction don't seem to get over me, when everything I thought was all over, all down the drain, all sunk to the bottom of my heart... but it was not. It was not at all. It is still in there, every minute, every second I try not to give even the slightest thought of it, but I failed, I failed miserably... I do not like to put on a facade... to you, to everyone... I cannot take it anymore, the pain is just so unbearable, undeniable, unspoken...

What was mentioned to be not deserved to be in suffering, in aggrevation, in torment, in sorrows? I still, eventually, back to the same old thing, feel the same. Felt the same as never before, for someone had not done to me over the past 2 decades, for something which I failed so terribly but I did not admit defeat, for someone who is too precious to be mentioned by mere words...

It doesn't only depend on that. It is that. It is the whole of my life. Something which no one will understand, something which everyone will not be able to comprehand... The emotions, part of it, or rather, all of it, is something which you could never assimilate, never could you have ever gone through the obstacles, the unbeaten ones, ever.

It takes time, some say, but time and tide wait for no man. How long will I be suffering in such agony? How long would it be before I could stand up and face this pathetic and relentless world again? Blame the world. Blame the weather. Blame everything but yourself, but the only soul which is trapped within the body, the mind controls it... but it somehow go overtaken by the detrimental emotions... The mind isn't at work anymore.. anyways...

Only the "one" could salvage this inexorable suffering. The words, the actions, the every tiny bit of information drawn, the every single step taken means alot to someone in this world. A butterfly flapped it's wing which caused a hurricane, a small step taken which caused a storm in the heart, a vindictive spasm which no man could ever undergo..

Needless to say, the feelings still carry, still continues. No one will ever know what had transformed me into someone like this, no one will ever understand.. comprehand the motives and reasons behind each 'justified' actions done, each tear dropped, each step taken... to suit the best of someone, to make this apathetic world a slightly better place to live in... with or without you I know, eventually life goes on... the world will not stop for my grief, for my suffering, for my pain... the world will go on, even if I die, it will still revolve around for the next 3 billion years, what is 1 day wasted by the world compared and sympathized to it?

It's not the A levels.

Rambled by kaSh at 7:34 pm