This is my story...

2007-07-23T19:39:00.000+08:00

I will be shifting my blog to intriquecity.wordpress.com. Please do update your links (if you still remember who the hell am I).

Thanks.

2007-07-17T12:23:00.000+08:00

OMG it has been a long time since I blogged, again. I've been too lazy to do so, guess there isn't much things happening in my life. Oh yea, just some updates:

I am working at CPF building currently, and the contract ends this week.

I've got a hall in NUS, King Edward VII or whatever. I choose it for the proximity to the Fac of Science, so I could laze back to bed whenever I feel like sleeping during lecture.

I will be moving in next week or so, and I have not packed my stuff yet.

I am sneezing REAL BAD as I blog. Obviously it is some external/environmental irritation which I simply cannot figure out what that is.

I am so sick and tired of working, answering phone calls, helping customers over the line and got yelled at. Of course there were nice people over the phone, and there were dumb people too. The thing is, I am only expected to know basic stuff, not those out of the world calculations, housing loans, shares and all that. So, I'll just transfer out, and in the midst of it, I got scoldings!

I've made some great friends at work. They are nice people, most of them are undergrads like me!

I cannot wait for term to start so I can experience yet another academic-year-all-mug-but-no-play year.

Out.

2007-06-03T16:15:00.000+08:00

Been like 3000 years since I've blogged. Anyways just a few updates for memo (and for readers' pleasure, or whatsoever):

I got 2 offers from both NTU and NUS. They gave me Chemical Engineering and Science respectively. So yes, Chem Engineering does have juicy prospects in the future, and it is BIG money, lotsa them when you get a degree and start working in the industrial/research sector. However my interest does not lie in engineering. I do not know why, just not interested. So yes, I choose the latter, Science, which has been my interest all the while. My classmates can verify that.

So I accepted the NUS offer to Science course and I am deciding to major in Life Science (yes my interest) and hopefully study medicine when I graduate. Which means I have to stop playing and start studying, again. Which of course, never in my course of education, come true.

Anyways my decision was not an overnight one; have thought about it intensively, researched about the prospects in the future after I graduate, and finally, to pursue what I like. I guess this is the most important point of making decisions, to choose what you like, follow your heart, and not something else which you absolutely hate and have to spend your rest of your life with it.

Oh did I mention that I am currently working in this CPF building? Yes, pay's not really good, at least I have the experience and kill my boredom during the wait to enter University, instead of just staying at home rotting around hoping money to drop from the sky, not to mention wasting Earth's resources.

Lastly, I hope I make the right decision, and I'll live up what others think highly of me...

2007-04-01T03:39:00.000+08:00

I feel so lost suddenly. I don't know where to head to. I feel I have no direction in life, hoping to get something I could not, and I have absolutely no idea on how to achieve it otherwise. I am just so lost of what am I going to be in the future. Come to think of it, my results weren't that bad, however it was not good enough to go to the course I want.

I don't know why I feel this way. This suck.

2007-03-27T01:01:00.000+08:00

Yes I left less than a month to ORD. And yeah, I am so excited about it. My friends around me have ORD-ed, and I am the only one left in this world who has not. And of course I have a thousand and one things to settle in camp before I depart that place for good!

Maybe when I am out of camp, I will have more time for my friends. I feel that I have been neglecting them. Oh well, hope I can do some catching up with them again!

And please let me enter into a University. If not, I am so fucked.

Did I mention my lovely girl is so smiling away when she sees this?

Happy 4 months anniversary. 4 months seem to be short, but it is not the quantity you see, it's the quality of time spent together. So yes, I do cherish every second of it.

Lastly, I am fat. Period.

2007-03-22T00:30:00.000+08:00

OMG it's been so long since I've blogged. Anyways if you wanna know, I am fine for this few weeks/months, just got my wisdom tooth plucked out and my whole face is swollen now!

And yes, everyone is turning 21 this year. Happy birthday to all.

2007-01-24T00:54:00.000+08:00

Happy 21st bday to me. It's kinda funny that as you grow older, you have less interest into celebrating your birthday in a large scale, as least for me. And yeah, I am old, and it's time to wake up!

3 more months to ORD!

2007-01-02T05:27:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year. May this year be the best year yet. New Year resolutions never change, simply because I haven't fulfill the last year's one. =)

2006-12-26T03:03:00.000+08:00

You gave me the feeling I haven't felt for a long time.

You gave me the touch so gentle that warmth my heart again.

You gave me the everything that I lost ages ago.

You brought me to life again.

And though just a simple day spent with you during Christmas, I am glad that you are by my side. As long as you are, nothing else will be important to me anymore.

You know how much you are to me.

Merry Christmas my love.

2006-12-16T02:08:00.000+08:00

Dear love

You know how much you mean to me, you know how much I love you so... I never meant to hurt you ever, I never meant to make you cry. You know why I shed so much tears that night, it was because I heard you, saw you cry. My heart shattered the moment I saw tears flowing down your eyes. I never want you to be hurt, I never want you to suffer like this. I never want to leave you, ever because you are the only one for me.

You are the only one for me, for now, forever. If I do hurt you that much, I am sorry. It just pains me to see you cry, it really pains me.

I love you forever and ever, with all my heart and soul.

Signed,
Notfunny, you beloved Priest.

2006-11-27T00:44:00.001+08:00

Finally something good.

Nothing much to say, I feel like blogging, but I do not know what and how to say.

All I can say is just, I <3 you.

Yes I do.

2006-11-26T12:58:00.001+08:00

I swear I will never get so drunk that I did not know what the hell happened in the night ever again.

2006-11-19T13:51:00.000+08:00

My Saturday nights are just too wonderful to be true..

2006-11-18T00:21:00.000+08:00

So here comes my ear infection again despite the earlier operation I had, and yes, the blocked ear, the extensive flow of fluid out from it, the constant itch in my throat... how irritating could those be? Of course I pray hard to get well again, not to mention another of my back problem comes by, whereby straining it alone isn't enough but indeed some nerve went to place itself the wrong way. Just mere 5 minutes of keep still standing is a pain in the ass for me, not to mention sitting down without a back support. And forgo those gym sessions, especially with my left hand, because he advised me not to carry weights, for a long period of time.

So I suppose when I was just about to get back my regime, some crap happened to myself and prevented me from doing all these things, which of course will prolong my lifespan. Then of course, my motivation is back, nonetheless the urge to lazy around still dwells upon me.

Am I too engrossed to things to such a certain extent that I do not realise that I am at all? Some times it is, because things will eventually be normal to you when you do abnormal things frequently, or rather, repetitive unusual, boring stuff which you repeat all night long.

Oh, I realise I do not have much fun this few months, due to the busy schedule in camp (as usual, or is it a delusion?) though I have been lazing around defying every single thing that is placed upon me. Studying still rocks more than anything else; no worries, no responsibilities, no qualms, oh stress, the temporal stress beats the eternal ones your boss give you every other day for the next 20 years of your life. Quite screwed up eh?

And they say I blog sad things here. Indeed. Too much until I do not know when to start already. So sad. Perhaps someone can save me out from the eternal darkness, again? Please?

No use begging already.

2006-11-15T06:39:00.001+08:00

$36.50.

Most expensive cab fare I've ever paid.

2006-11-12T19:09:00.000+08:00

Oh, what full of surprises the night was. Breaking down of escalators wherever we go, counting of people walking passed us, and yes... the movie...

And the sunrise, it was beautiful.
And the ambiance, it was peaceful, serene, tranquil. How I wished time stopped there, just for me to enjoy the beauties of nature, to sit down quietly, to forgo all worries...

Thank you for the wonderful night of dreams.

2006-11-10T21:07:00.000+08:00

No, I ain't ok.
No, I couldn't feel any better than this.
No, I can't forget things so easily.
Yes, I do seem like nothing has happened.
Yes, I do not like to say it out.
Yes, my heart is still damn broken.

Who knows? Who cares?

2006-11-02T23:10:00.000+08:00

Forget it. I shouldn't be doing all this. No point, no outcome, no conclusion. Just a thought, making another person hating me isn't my bloody intention at all. All I can do is choose not to care, and move on.

Yeah, like I always, do... choose not to care.

And no, I don't hate you at all. You know it. You know I love you. You know I've loved you.

And of course, not clinging onto someone you love, instead letting her go, is the most difficult, most screwed up, stupidest things to do, because you just have to do it, you do not have the choice.

And I choose to do so.

It will be better off for you, as usual, for you always...

2006-11-01T00:19:00.000+08:00

You know hurt, how disappointed, how angry, how heartbroken was I? No, you didn't know. Sorry is not something which could solve such things. Too late? It was never too late. It is your decision, your choice, but you choose to end it.

Have I expected anything out of you? You wanna know me? Yes you can. You can read all my previous posts about my past. Everything is here because everything is sad. Everything here has no life, no nothing. That was the reason why I didn't wanna tell you straight in the face. I hate it. I hate sadness.

And? Time is everything we have. Two weeks. It was just two weeks. What has happened? Something changed? What could have change so fast, so rapid? This is ridiculous. And the replies I got, how furious was I when I read them. What? two-timing me? Wtf was that?

Ok. I quit arguing. I hate to argue, especially with the people I love. I do not want to see us ending up without solving anything. So I choose to give in, everything. You said this, I agreed. You said that, I agreed. I am compromising alot. Not affectionate enough? Maybe you are not sensitive enough.

Yeah. I did this out of rage. I did not want to be the bad guy, but I realised that I have been the good guy for too long. To avoid arguements, to give in, to shut up when I think something was wrong, to agree anything which is wrong and so on.

I just wanna forgive myself for not sleeping well, for not talking to anyone in camp, for punching the stupid walls for all my stupidity, all my dumb things which I have done. Yes I am stupid. I think I am the dumbest fucker in the world.

2006-10-29T16:11:00.000+08:00

I have nothing to say already. All these things were just for fun. Everything was just for fun. There was no seriousness in it, there was no commitment in it, there was nothing. Nothing. I tried so hard to do things which required time and I was not given. I was stupid enough to think I have so much time for anything.

No I don't get it. I don't get everything that contradicts. Ok. This is just a full load of rubbish I was hearing. The things we did, everything was just for fun. And yet I thought it wasn't.

Perhaps I didn't love you the way you want me to.

And when I woke up, I felt so lost, again.

And I could keep the blue toothbrush you'll never be able to use it....

2006-10-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

Seems like I am too lazy to blog again... yeah I am too lazy to do anything...

And no, this week wasn't that great. We got some internal backstabbing among us, which was quite fucked. I simply do not understand why people kill one another despite working under the same roof, the same room, the same place. And yeah, I would like to thank all these people, they will get karma, or maybe they already have but they just do not realise it, maybe they shall get another.

I would like to confess something: I have sinned, sinned alot by taking in too much food. Damn, I have not been exercising. My routine went haywire ever since the operation I underwent. Now and then I was caught up by flu and all the nonsensical diseases which should not happen to me, and it got me off my routine workout plan. I need to get back to that.

And I am sorry for not realising sooner, for not knowing things which happened long ago, and only when I discovered now it was too late for me to do anything. I apologise, right now the only thing I can help is to sit back and listen to your woes...

I still could feel the devastation, how you felt when you lose someone dearly...

2006-09-28T00:42:00.000+08:00

Did I mention that Forbidden City was superb? Yes it was really nice, such plays, though expensive, are worthwhile.

And these few days has been really kinda quiet for me, work's stupid as usual, guess I wouldn't complain so much then...

Often I hold hopes so high that in the end, it is just disappointment. Apologies is one thing, making people feel down is another.

I don't know, whatever lah.

2006-09-08T20:20:00.001+08:00

I do not feel stress, at all when I was tasked with all the bullshiet everyone gave me. I guess it was something, well nice or what, however it did not mean I would stay this way. Anyways, life just suck for me sometimes, and I cannot figure out what in the world is wrong with the people around me; they have stupid attitude, they change completely when they are succumbed to something, they do whatever it takes to achieve their undesirable goals.

What the heck, I do not know why am I blogging, maybe I just feel like to, maybe I have things to say which I do not know where to channel to, maybe I just do not know how to say afterall, oh man.

Anyways, I had great times in life, I thought back, I knew I had a wonderful life.

And of course, things will be better, it will be.

It will be, because the thought of you floats through my mind...

2006-08-26T03:43:00.000+08:00

Here am I writing, venting my woes on this webpage, searing my pain everywhere I go.

I just do not know what to say anymore. Emptiness has taken over me, my soul and my body...

2006-08-22T21:44:00.000+08:00

Yes at least I can write some rubbish here.

National Camp. Over. It was good. I cannot wait to get out of the army and go back to my books. I do not know how true it is people saying studying sucks, try going out to the society to work.

AMD Athlon X2 Dual Core 4600+
GeForce 7900GT 256mb
2gig DDR400 Ram

New com!

"Hope is the first step on the road to disappoint."

2006-08-22T21:43:00.000+08:00

testing post.

2006-08-06T00:18:00.000+08:00

I guess I am overwhelmed by matters which I do not see any problem with that. I do not know, and I do not really care.

I am just lost, very lost..

2006-07-31T23:04:00.000+08:00

Do I seem to have a problem with anyone? Not that I know of.

Do I ever poke into any other body's business? Do I go around asking things which are totally unrelated and irrelevant to me? No.

And I know, I may sound a little immature and inconsistent. I choose what I want to do, as long as it is within the limits, I am satisfied of doing the things which I want, regardless of what the others want or tell me what to do. Think again. Are you in the control of my wealth? Are you in control of my emotions?

And have I ever offended anyone on anything, particularly on such topics? Do I? No.

And why are people doing that to me? It is my choice, I do such things at my own will.

Frankly, I do not care about what happen to people around me, sometimes I will ask out of concern and courtesy, but that does not mean people has to POKE INTO my business by, well asking others about me, how am I doing things in particular with someone else. I do not seem to gain any respect for that. What in the world is wrong? Is it a crime for me doing such things?

But of course I am not that hostile. We can be friends. We will be friends. Friends help one another, friends respect one another. Friends help one another. I could be your friend by respecting your position and by not indulging in your sexual fantasies because things like this are somehow private. Well yes, different people have different thoughts, and if you know mine, please respect it.

And I've said in the previous blogs. I do not wish to talk about anything I written down here, because this is for me to say things which I do not want to usually say. And, I already said, I do not mind jokes at all, as long as there is a limit to it, I am fine. I am not particular about such things, because it is all such trival things which make life more interesting. And yeah, if you guys want to know, I am what I am doing. Who cares what I am doing to anyone? I didn't harm her in any way, if fact I do, as a gentleman, respect ladies to a far extent.

I just do not want to pin any hopes onto anyone currently. As long as I find someone who I am happy with, it doesn't matter. Yes it does sound corny. But this is something which I am, and well, I do not know if I will be like this.

If I offended anyone then I apologize, but I still stand right for my words.

2006-07-25T19:52:00.000+08:00

Oh, at least someone reads my blog! And oh well, I've already said, I channel every sad and stupid thing I have done and felt into here, so there is no use asking me what happened this and that, because my reply will be, nothing has happened, and I am fine. Yes.

And you know, I ain't exactly fine, it is just there isn't a need to explain every single action done by me. Whatever I do there will always be a reason behind it, not that I am some psychopath mental freak son of a zzz, I have a conscious and I can THINK. I always do the thinking. So yeah.

And play time is over, please stop it.

2006-07-21T00:56:00.000+08:00

As much as I like you really much I know it will not work out. For two different worlds apart of feels, for everything is all but a dream... no wait, no dreams, that part has not been out yet. Anyways if only I could just forgo everything and revert back to my own ways of living. It was so carefree and enjoyable, but we know that things in the past are only to be reflected and not to dwelled upon, and eventually life goes on.

How many times have I said life goes on throughout my entire blog? I think it will be slightly little more than ten, and of course that kind of constant reminding of myself that life goes on thingy, but still I am stuck down here wondering where has all the life gone to, dwelling onto things which I really hoped for and not going after for it....

And speaking of not striving things I want, or rather things one wants. I know sometimes it is just too difficult to approach a salegirls for an intrique object asking how much the price is, but when you realise that it is easily done, you would have thought "at least I tried, and succeeded of course", and well little do we realise that it applies to almost everything under the sun. All we have to do is just to ask, and well with a little more determination and perserverance, we get our stuff.

However this cannot be applied to a mysterious concept called love. Love is all wonderful, it binds things together, the bond is so strong that a simple fall will not affect anything at all. However things will change if something small yet drastic affects it. I do not know, love starts from nothing, and grows up to be eternity.

And I said, as much as I want it to happen, I could not do it, because of every other thing which is happening to me. Perhaps I could treat things more seriously (or less) at the appropriate situation, or whatever it is, I could just simply act indifferent to every single thing around me.

That is what I used to be, of course I want to be what I always hope for. Maybe there is just this incomplete side of me waiting to be discovered, or filled it, and so far none has satisfy the conditions of filling it completely, some partially, some just cannot fit and some just fit in a terribly while and dropped off.

There are so many fish in the sea, maybe the perfect one I will catch eventually, come to me, for we can spend our eternity in the vast ocean of love and peace...

2006-07-20T00:38:00.000+08:00

Yes I realise, I finally realise, that the origin of the cause, why it has been like this, why everyone has been reacting like this, why things turn out that way, why it is not always meant to be what it suppose to...

At least I know, or at least I will try to remedy it. But nevertheless the damage has been down, it will be a difficult reverse if I were to try.

The cause is just me...

2006-07-16T14:28:00.000+08:00

Drunk. Fatigue. Headache. My head was spinning, the world went round and round. The tides turned against me yet again. I downed just as much as I could handle, and a little more. More than what I could do, hastened up every single sip I took. Yes. Sorrows are meant to be drowned, drowned into the bottomless sea, the bed of no living substance roam, because those things are meant to be settled there.

And yet again, everything came back. Everything went afloat, swirving through my memories again and again, time and again, the feeling of being drunk the first time was due to horrible and devastated events which drove me into nowhere, which left me with nothing at all

The repercussions of the events just came about. Somehow or rather I will never be able to get them off, to get you off, the impact was just too great, to much for me to handle even for now. Too much of a scar has reminence of it, too much of a pain I could withstand it. It is like a thousand knives through my heart, I just feel like, bursting out.

I lived and cried and cried and lived. It was just the same as everything. No, no one can help, at least, just give me a hug to make me feel better temporary, then it will eventually come back to haunt me again.

I just cannot let go, and I am trying to...

How could I move on? I do not know anymore...

2006-07-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

I got my driving license! At last! Woot!

At least this is a happy post.

2006-07-06T22:37:00.000+08:00

No, I cannot be like this. I cannot be too much of a person who strangles the hell outta someone. Breathing space... yes breathing space...

Maybe it is time to be ignorant again, for ignorant is bliss.

And tell yourself that the day will be filled with full of surprises ahead, and do not expect anything outta it, so the day will be filled with happiness and cheer, for it will not dull any single moment you encounter.

Yes, tell yourself that the down side is a lesson for you to get stronger, and bring up your courage to show that you can conquer, what you had failed, will not be another mistaken trail.

And yes, maybe I have not been so nice to someone for so long already, just minor sacrifices once in a while doesn't really affect myself.

There is nothing in the world that is perfect, so bare with the unfairness and unjust around you. Be it, this is life. Vent it, for containing it will be bad eventually for health.

I am just another wondering lonesome trying to find back what it is left of me.

2006-07-05T02:15:00.000+08:00

Good things are hard to come by, just like a rare stone.

There are just things which are always hidden and growing, partially due to the things which I do, the things which you do...

You are a nice girl, someone who really cheers me up nonetheless, but perhaps it is the setbacks that I have encountered, perhaps it is the way, the environment, we know, perhaps it is just the way it is, for somewhat I must say I really like you, but this is definitely not the type, not the one that I asks for.

No, it is not my choice to do so, maybe somewhat we could find a better someone eventually, for of course we come from different backgrounds, different choices and mixtures of people around us, different environment...

Maybe this is only one sided, but I just have to say, I really enjoyed the little and short times, for I am immune to external factors and I do not really care anyways, how we treat each other, as a friend, or something else I do not know, it was enjoyable.

Maybe it's just a small crush, crushes do occur at times, occur at times when I feel down, when I feel sad, when I feel, like loving someone else again.. No you are absolutely not a substitute I want to find, you are genuinely too good to be true, but perhaps things have to turn out ways which, well not a choice for everyone to make to satisfy... so it all goes on...

I do not know, my life still goes on, or will it stand still for like it used to be...

I never knew I cannot fall in love like I used to do again...

2006-06-20T20:38:00.000+08:00

It was a long time since I had so much fun. The chalet was great, really really nice. I loved the company, companies of people who I never met, and they walked into my life for the first time, and we enjoyed every single bit of it.

Although I was not of much help, at least I loved the company, the ambience, the things we had done. Just the company alone, it was great, it was marvelous, it was beyond words. These are the people who I do not really know, for all I do with them was only to play wit them every evening, and it turned out to be, so really nice of them.

There goes the end of my 3 week break. It was bad. I was home bound, I could not go out at all. All I can do was to play and sleep. It sucked. Up till now I still cannot work out, I cannot go the gym and torture myself like I always do, I cannot go for evening runs to sweat myself out. I feel so weak.

As much as I want you so badly, I ain't just ready to accept it. Let it all flow with the arrow of time...

For as much as it has to be, it has to be like this.

2006-06-02T13:51:00.000+08:00

With regards to everything..

I know that I am hot tempered,

I know that I am unreasonable,

I know that I am ungentlemanly,

I know that I always show my temper around,

I know that I am the most selfish person ever.

For the sake of everyone..

I am changing, I am still trying...

Bear with me...

2006-06-02T01:21:00.000+08:00

I've just jumped into a conclusion:

Ex-es and flings can never be friends again.

Yes. You know why? Because,

You do not know what to do when you see them on the streets with their boyfriends, or when you are with you girlfriend

You do not know what to say to get back something you left at her place a few months ago

You do not know what to do when you are alone one fine day at a restuarant, spotting her opposite of you

And somehow or rather you will feel like killing his/her current steady

And even if you DO get to date her out again, there isn't much to say, especially on the way to bus stops/train stations and the way home; which leads to you cannot do anything which you all once did without even care who is looking at you

Those photos? How? Are you going to burn it? It was part of your life, your big chapter which brought you to what you are today.

And you do not know what to do with those letters from your present steady.

And the phrase "How are you" seems to be the hardest question to ask.

This is crap.

2006-05-30T22:08:00.000+08:00

So I went back to the doctor to take off my bandage (it has been a week after the op) and the process wasn't something to be happy either.

Did I mention I had 2 bandages? 1 was the one behind the ear, which was 10 stictches long. When the nurse cut the stitches, blood oozed out like nobody's business. On top of that the alcohol she applied regularly soared my ear and it was damn pain.

Then the doc took out the one inside my ear. OMFG, The whole cotton line was filled with my blood, and then he dug some stupid thing out in my ear which was SO FREAKING pain and more blood came out.

Then he proceed to the nose. He sprayed some antisceptic and took some stupid stick with a cotton bud and dig the hell outta my 2 nostrils, and took a pincer to extract out this horrible, irritating slimely bloody mucous which after that, eased my breathing by 150%. OMFG it was all blood again.

Blood blood blood.

2006-05-29T14:15:00.000+08:00

What does dreams tell us? It is a matter of the day's exhaustion put together? How do you explain the recurrence ones? Do the brain cells play tricks to themselves? Why are they the predictions of the future? Is there really another "us" around us?

These are the questions which are often asked by myself. Up till today, what are dreams remain a mystery to most of us, dreams, be it good or bad, may or may not serve a purpose...

I dream about the place where the class used to be, used to hang out as one, to eat and dine together, to enjoy the moments as a class together, but of a different scenerio, totally out of the world kind of it thing. We ate, we chatted, we cursed and we sweared. We did all kinds of nonsense no one had ever expected.

What are dreams??

In the midst of these dreams she came out, again. Often more than not dreams are just forgotten when we wake up, but the fact that she appeared made my dream remarkable, rememberable, distinguished and special. Why? Why do you have to do this to me?

Now I understand. Now I comprehand how it feels like...

Let our dreams wonder...

2006-05-28T02:54:00.000+08:00

To the particular person:

I knew how you felt, I knew it all along. I knew how the admiration became what it was meant more, I knew what had happened. It might be a little late, perhaps over a year which you would think, I did not know things could turn out like that at that time, but it was over, and already a year over, and I am glad, you had go on.

I just wanna say, I am sorry. In fact, I did concern you. I did mention your name to her. I did ask how were you, I did appeal to the teachers of you getting back to the team, I did do things for you. Perhaps you did not know me well enough, for I did the turns you may not or never know, were things which brightened up your life, somehow or another.

You should have understood, for what had made me for what I became, was to keep a mum of my feelings, my trues feelings, the torment I had been through, made me for what I am now, I do not know how to express my feelings anymore, anymore...

I am sorry for she was the part of my life at that time, I do hope you understand, for it is already over, for I felt the guilt for not realising more at that time, for the days I had made you cried....

Things turned out to be like this, I knew what you have done for me, for you know how I felt...

I am sorry...

After a year of questions unanswered..

I am sorry...

For falling in love for the wrong angel

I am sorry...

2006-05-24T21:48:00.000+08:00

For those who do not know, I just had my operation yesterday. I had my right ear drum (middle ear) grafted with a piece of skin inside my outer ear, which the doctor cut open my ear through the back and operated directly into my middle ear.

And he passed electromagnetic current through my nose to apparently, shrink the swollen bits to aid me to breathe better in the future.

Now my nose is even more blocked (it will be over in a few days) and I cannot breathe through my nose, I need to breathe through my mouth which it must be kept moist every few hours. And my ear, it is bandaged and blocked with a cotton stick which extends from the outside of my ear all the way to the ear drum.

I can't hear with my right ear right now. I am sorta, suffering because the feeling sucks.

I cannot eat hard things because the motion will affect my middle ear.

I cannot blow through my nose because the pressure will damge my middle ear.

I hope no one will suffer like this.

2006-05-19T01:46:00.000+08:00

The future will not come if the past does not leave.

How much truth is that? It is because of that nostalgic feeling I have in my life occasionally makes me ponder about how wonderful I was during my schooling days of life. How hilarious the fun was as a class in secondary school, how much fun we had as a group, cycling to nearly impossible places which we ultimately did it, having supper every other night, teasing and scolding one another out of the blue, catching movies together, and so on?

And it has been years since we do that. Every single person of my life has drifted away from me. At least the closest people I have in my life had. I am glad, really glad we still keep in contact with one another.

Whenever I look at the photos, I shed a tear. I was happy, for all the memories they have given to me; the class, the people, the environment, everything. I loved my life. It was complete at that point of time. It was...

The memories I have will not be erased. It will be brought with me till the end.. Till the end of time...

And of course every single operation has it risks, nevertheless I have to go through another, success or not, it all depends on the theatre. I am afraid. I am so scared, but I do not want to show it out. I need someone to hug, someone to confide, something which cannot be done anymore.

Too afraid I am to mention the risks, I do not know, if I have the choice I would rather not have such sickness, be it minor or major, it definitely has its risks.

If I can look forward to a thing, that is to go back to the life of a student again, but I know, it will never be the same again.

If I have a wish, I wish to go back to the times when I was 16 again, never will I grow up ever again. The countless of exams I do not mind, the responsibilities I do not have, just a class of friends to be with me, to have fun and carefree, to enjoy what it is all over, again...

Where is the future, when my past has not left me?

2006-05-08T22:13:00.000+08:00

I run...

I run because I fear,
I fear that I will shed a tear,
A tear which drops from my heart,
and another for you, thirty miles apart.

I run because I doubt,
I doubt myself for everything
Everything which I love,
Everything which I want.

I run because I forget,
Forget all the troubles,
All the troubles which bring pain and suffering
All the troubles which tear me down into nothing.

I run because I remember,
Remember the times we had together
Together was the word we made
Falling apart was what I hate.

I run because it seems so far,
So far from my piercing heart
So far from the deepest wounds
So far, from the miserable tones.

I run because I think,
I think I could make it to the end
The end of what we call the beginning
For the beginning, is actually nothing.

I run because I feel,
I feel the wind breezing through my skin,
I feel the sweat dripping into my eyes,
I feel your presence by my side.

I run because I look
I look around deep inside,
Deep inside what everyone can be,
Deep inside, things which I could see.

I run because I'm afraid
Afraid to lose you at the beginning,
Afraid that beginning was just imagining,
Imagining of what we would be.

I run because I perspire,
To fill up all my current desires.
Desires to hide away from the gospel of truth,
Retire away from the darkness and shame.

I run, I run for there is too far for me to catch
I run for there is too great for me to reach

I run for the one who inspires me
I run for the one who desires me

I run for the one who breaks my heart
I run for the one who crushes me apart

I run for the beautiful someone
I run for the gorgeous someone

I run for the one who seeks the truth
I run for the one, the one who is just you...

2006-05-07T14:28:00.000+08:00

You never fail to pass by me, pretending to be busy, with the light on your head switched off, driving off the street, without noticing the desperate boy.

You never fail to thrill me, for traveling more than the speed limit on narrow roads, for making a turn with a high speed, for the sudden halt in the middle of the junction.

You never fail to fetch me whenever I hoist, for the questions you ask are somewhat irrelevant, for the demands you requested are simply redundant.

You never fail to exceed the meter by going through big turnabouts, winding into some unknown place you claim faster.

You never fail to wait until the clock past 12, for the charge you collect will rise, for it will create a larger hole in my pocket, the fun I have after midnight was a costly one.

And of course, you never fail to stop in a hurry before me, without looking at your rear, without realising the beginner wants to clear the lane, without considering how so irritating it was to swirve around you, when the opposite lane is filled with trucks.

I thank you, my humble taxi drivers.

2006-05-01T23:30:00.000+08:00

Being involved in politics is somewhat not a really nice thing to be in, at least for my case, working in an office type of place and in game politics do really suck at times. Of course nothing in this world is perfect, at least, but it cannot be that bad though..

I realise that money is really hard to earn. Sometimes in a blink of an eye I spent around 500 bucks. I don't really mind that much amount of money spent, however not on junk stuff. I rather spend it on books and all, at least it increases my knowledge somehow or rather, than on drinking.. and yeah, I am drinking frequently, I shouldn't be...

I remembered there was once I argued with Eunice over her table or room being messy and it is a more natural state. And she told me neatness is her natural state. Haha. And the debate went on, and I tried to explain to her in terms of the Second Law of Thermodynamics which is the entropy will either remain the same or increases with time in an enclosed system. I am still correct, because it is definately impossible for you to get back to an orginal state whereby the energy will remain a clutter again.

I will write about it another time, so stay tuned for my debate.

And it has been a long time since I try to date a girl out and I almost forgotten how to do. Is that really that kind of destruction I had upon after more than a year of antoganised suffering? Oh my...

2006-04-29T01:51:00.000+08:00

My mind was filled with uncertainty. It had been a long time... a long time since my mind sauntered away from the norm, the usual practices... This was my time, the time which I had to do one thing and another, just to able to stand up straight, again.

I never feel the care, only the hatred in myself

I never feel gratified, only the ungratefulness

I never feel sane, only to feel the insanity

I never fall in love again

Ever since you walked away.

Ever since you walked away, my mind was blanked, my direction was altered, my life was in a mess, my head was spinning for eternity, my dreams all shattered, my aims all gone, my everything...

I never feel the same way again, never will I be revitalised with the enriched feeling you gave to me, never will I find another someone...

Even if she has crossed my life just once, and woke me up from my dream.

If she walks through my life again, the rejuvenation will be likely felt, for I foresee, I will wake up from my endless torment dream, the repercussions of losing you...

Walk into my life, again...

2006-04-23T02:02:00.000+08:00

Come to think of it, I think I am really dumb.

Since when did I not respect others for their abilities, personalities, characters, blah blah blah.

When must I brood over such nonsense?

At least I have the brains to think.

Perhaps not every person will understand how each individual feel, how each of us (me) will react, will respond. And I am kinda sick and tired (as usual) of explaining my actions, which deem "undesirable" to some people and yet, not to others.

If everyone feels uncomfortable around me, I will know. The thing is, it is not me, the cause may be just you.

Some people just need some proper education. Well, at least the correct ones.

2006-04-20T19:03:00.000+08:00

Whenever I scolded someone, anyone, I would sit back and think: Am I doing the right thing? I don't know. I am soft hearted... really soft hearted... I cannot bear to shout at someone doing something wrong. It is just not me... I tried to refrain from arguing most of the times. The reason is I do not want to engage one. But when things start to go too far, I do not know what to do. I wanted to scold, wanted to reprimand, but it just does not seem right for me, I prefer myself as someone cheerful, bear no grudges, happy-go-lucky kind of person...

I never wanted to show my rank. Never had I have the intention to do that. But sometimes things just get out of reach. Things will go beyond the words from a soft heart, soothin voice. I tried, I really really tried to control my temper, to refrain myself from quarreling, from making someone unhappy, from scolding someone for doing wrong things, from doing bad stuff...

I do not know. Sometimes I just feel that I ain't myself. I asked myself why do I always regret the actions that I have done rightfully? Why do I have to resort into a loud shout towards the others when I could speak nicely to them? Why? Am I really doing the correct thing?

Because I believe in harmony, I do not want to shout at anyone. But things are just... overboard. My ear... it is the most fragile part of my body... I cannot stand my ear even being touched... Yes, it was a long history dated back 8 years ago when I had this operation and it has not recovered up till now..

Definitely I can take jokes, but not at the expense of my ear...

I do not suit into the category of "fierce looking guy", because I want to be nice all the time... that is all it takes just to make the world a better place, rather than living under the miserable roof, knowing your colleagues are gaining control over you. I prefer to work in harmony, I prefer to call them "friends" instead of mere colleagues, I prefer to forgo the hierachy system. When we have a job to do, we do together as one.

My intention was never bad. It was just to irritating.

2006-04-16T18:01:00.000+08:00

Let's see:

2 rackets - $150
protein powder - #75
concert tickets - $20
driving lessons - $66
drinking - $27
taxi services - $25
miscellanous - $40

Total - $406

That's my monthly pay, gone in a week. =)

2006-04-09T02:14:00.000+08:00

Ok. This is a new blog skin. At least it looked nicer than the previous one and I thought it was ok only. Oh well.

2006-04-06T13:31:00.000+08:00

I know my blog skin looks like shiet. So if you have any suggestions on some nice blog skins which suits me, please do link me. Thanks alot =)

Anyways my ear condition just came back again. And I had 2 days of MC, which of course explains why I have the time to type some nonsense here, again. Doubt anyone reads it though.

Ok I am off. Nothing much to update. No life, no love life, no friends, no society involvement, no nothing. Sad.

2006-03-28T23:34:00.000+08:00

I realised life is much more complicated than it seems. The workload piles up all of a sudden, the bosses turn crazy in a blink of an eye and start to attempt to kill one another under the same roof. Is this harmony? Is this working together as a "family"? Is this the way, where each and everyone of us is achieving the same purpose, doing? I just do not understand why politics can go to such an extent, to an extent like this. Day after day I am living in a shit hole, a place untolerably stinks, filled with grosteque humanoids roaming around, showing off their authority, ordering people to do THEIR job, etc...

I wonder how the people survive there for months and even years and years, a day seems lik eons to go through, the torment.. oh my, so excruciating...

And then it floated in and out of my mind time and again, of which humble things are so difficulty to be achieved, let alone to be possessed. The endless repetitions of one drifting through my mind isn't going to help change how the world is going to be in the future for me anymore...

Suddenly everything came back to me like it was before. I just do not understand how, ultimately should I ever, ever get out of the neverending journey in circles. I dwell around this unbreakable sphere of fear, of lost, of remorse until god knows when, and I know I cannot do this on my own, I need a helping hand, to free from this dark, demonic sphere which consumes me and my mind...

I couldn't be the one who let out my feelings towards anyone...

I couldn't be the compassionate person I used to be..

But at least I knew how to control the childish moments of mine, using my brains to speak instead of my mouth, putting myself into others' shoes, feeling how he/she will feel if it is him/her.... or whatever...

After a year of torment, I realise that I still cannot get over with everything. I never fall in love again. Perhaps you are the one who really get into my heart with everything you had. I do not know how to recover from all these anymore. No one could save me from all these things, and I can do is to avoid and avoid, and when I open up my wallet I see you and the memories again... the memories....

I once told myself I couldn't live without you.

I don't see myself as a living being ever since you left me without saying a word.

2006-03-22T23:05:00.000+08:00

I tried to leave you out of my life for a few days, but then I came back and tell myself that it was an utterly impossible thing to do.

I tried to tell myself, for all these countless months I had been through without a single word mentioned about you to anyone, I could forget everything which happened in the past.

I tried to convince the people around me you were just an acquintence, but then that was not the case at all.

I tried to fall in love with another again, thinking if that would be the ultimate solution to save myself yet again, but those were not call love, they were just flings and infactuations, just fun I wanted to have by myself...

Some people are just trapped in an endless tunnel of torment, leaving no exits by the sides, the savior is ultimately not there afterall, after all these months, years of dwelling upon the land aimlessly, I have yet to find the one solution which... which will bring me up, up again like I always did... always be the one who has no qualms, no worries, always be the one who has you to be by my side...

I can never stand up straight, face the world like I could the years before, the times before...

I can never life my head up high, just to see the sky which I always thought you and I would bathe in...

I can never fall in love anymore, unless I could find another exact, unique you...

There will always be one and only you... in my heart.

2006-03-14T20:32:00.000+08:00

Ok. I thought it would be a fine week, until...

WHAT THE FUCK! I LOST MY HANDPHONE. OR RATHER, IT GOT STOLEN.

Fuck it. Firstly I some shouting from my RQ telling me that I am DIFFICULT. I posed difficulty into doing things for her simply because of her last minute fuck telling me without preparing any documents. What the fuck. Then I had to make another wastes trip which pissed everyone, again. What the fuck.

Then the fucking boss asked me to see him, talked crap with me, about work attitude and all that, stop being rude to my superiors.... and what the fuck? Work attitude should always be there, but when one day you realise your men has a slight change towards their work attitude, you really think they should shoulder all the blame? How about considering YOURSELF into the "work attitude" problem of your men? Maybe you are one, or rather, the main cause of all this shiet problems?

And what the fuck. I came out of the taxi, I dropped my phone onto the grass, I thought I left in the taxi and gave chase, at the same time this old bloody bitch came and took it and ran across the road without looking at how many thousands of cars rushing towards her. FUCK HER. She will fucking DIE if I see her. May her burn in hell, get raped and eaten by stray dogs for stealing my phone.

TO FUCKING THINK THAT I TOLD MYSELF EVERYONE IS BORN WITH A GOOD HEART AT THE FIRST FUCKING PLACE. FUCK THAT.

2006-02-26T23:19:00.000+08:00

Oh, all good things will become better, and all bad things will become worse. Well not all but maybe, almost all, at least a part of it. And when those good things become better, you just want it so much again, and that will be the awful moment of truth: No way.

And yeah, it's not that I don't wanna look for another nicer blog skin, it is because I am too lazy to go look for it, and well if I DO look for it, the site will show lots of cartoon cartoon pink colour girly feminine stuff which I cannot possible have that as my skin! So I'll just stick with the default ones, anyways no one really reads so who gives a f.

Back to the crap. Anyways I am sick and tired of talking about it so let's talk about other things.

Oh, anyways I just realised what really happened to me. I think it is this blog website. People asked me why this stupid address of mine, I do not know how to reply them, simply because it was the idea of hers. ARGH. What the f.

And do you know that time and again I thought I see you across the street, in the bus, in the mall, everywhere but only to notice that it wasn't you? How hurting can it be? Realising that after a year of crap you still cannot get through.

What the fuck. I am too sick and tired to even write about my sorrows now. Maybe I should just be a fucking gay.

2006-02-19T00:37:00.000+08:00

I have a resolution every weekend. And it seems to drag through the next, and the one after, and then it goes on forever. When will I, for fuck's sake, grow up and start to do everything seriously? I seem to be so lazy and incapable to everyone... oh well whatever.

It all boils down to discipline. Perhaps I don't have any of it at all. It greatly reflects on the things I have done, shows that I lack of discipline. Maybe I should "buy" it or "steal" it from someone, or perhaps, "generate" on myself? Maybe that will be a better idea. I do not even have the discipline to update my blog frequently.

Some people say it is all due to work and all that are affecting them. I think it is just bull crap. 24 hours a day is more than enough to do the things you are required to do, and if it isn't enough, 7 days a week is more than sufficient. Now I understand what "every man dies, but not every man lives" kinda thing.

How many times have we regretted into doin something we wished we have not done? Oh my frigging god, too many frigging times. Too bad. I know that things just flew away sometimes and are never to be able to be retrieve or substituted back, the only way to relieve it is to move on. Goddamn the truth, hurts.

And after so much crap I have posted surprisingly I am the one who is contradicting to it. Maybe some of the people who read it will have the initiative to think twice on how screw up their lives are and decide to change it for the better, be more discipline, etc but for me, after 10 years, I will still be like this.

Perhaps I will not be like this in 10 hours time, because I am beginning to listen to my own crap now.

2006-02-15T22:33:00.000+08:00

Seriously I feel like shiet now. I am in that shithole for barely 3 months and I feel like burning the whole place down and kill that son of a bitch. Fuck.

What the fuck. Life is getting fucking bored I need some new life. Like now. Now now now now.

2006-01-30T03:04:00.000+08:00

I miss the times where I could walk through the park and under the apartment blocks, taking a 20min walk where normal lifeforms would take 10, heading towards school, entering it with a lethargic sensation, thinking that it would be a really really bad day ahead.

I miss the times where I sat in class, eating and snoring away while the lessons were going, at the front desk there used to be a water bottle and a stack of assignment and reference notes left by the tutor while she was teaching, pointing people up to solve mysterious and difficult questions on the whiteboad. Then she caught me when I was sleeping, I had no choice but to get up and continued my life.

I miss the times where I sat in the lecture hall, chatting with my friends from other class all day long, subjects which were irrelevant to that was going on. Then I would walk out of the hall without permission, seeked grace from the toilet, loitered around the canteen hunting for food, then headed back to the hall realising everyone was packing their bags for the next lesson.

I miss the times where during free periods, I changed to my PE attire with my beloved racket, headed down to the all for a badminton session with my friends. Time flew fast during that period, nevertheless we did not care about anything but just to enjoy our game. Then PE lessons came by, we walked around the track for a few rounds, praying that we would not get caught, the resume our shuttlecock game.

I miss the times where during free periods, I immediately thought of a comfortable resting place of paradise: the library. I would sleep through the periods, or chatting with my friends loudly, overturning the whole place and almost got banned for it. Then when it comes to serious work, I went around disturbing and taking away their stationery, running around like it was my playground.

I miss the times where during examinations, the stressed faces I see around me, the anxiety amoung the students while I felt so calm. The library was packed, quieter than ever, people endulging their rest of the day into worthless scams of Math and Science, in the end all they battled against was just a stack of A4 paper with several writings and notions negligible to most of us, and at the end of the examination we prayed hard to scrap through the entire system of death.

I miss the times where I could play the whole afternoon after school, for every activity group it would be, it would be badminton. Ironically I played other sports during training. Then we were called back and got exposed. And I got a severe scolding because the leader took the heaviest responsilibity, and nevertheless we did everything again after that moment of lecture.

I miss the times where I could sing and play the guitar at almost everywhere of the school, and the most memorable times were the times we formed a band for a contest, and emerged as champions. I was the rhythmic guitarist, the back singer, and we did really well, I was so proud of it. And the small group which went into the audtion half a hour after picking up a song, forming the singers and strummers, and got into the finals. Although my focus was on the band and not the group, I felt a great sense of achievement, with the song "Year 3000". Then we took a photo with Dennis Keller, and we wanted to jam more than ever before, the next time I would be on the drums...

I missed the times where on the very one and only night the whole school was really glamarious, my class was dressed in a formal fashion way which I could not recognise anyone of them. And my date was the perfect lady I could have ever wanted, and the times we spent through the night was the most commemorating one, the things which we done as I felt as a truely couple, after a long time of struggle and fights. And the prom game was fun, the photo taking was indeed the nicest thing ever, the food just taste a little funny, and no one danced on the dance floor. I wanted to with my eloquent lady, but we had better things to do...

If there is one wish I could ever wish for now, I wish to be seventeen again, and remain there as it is, the class, the school, the ambience, the activities we do, the things with watch and play, the rumbles and scrumbles we gave the teachers, the skipping of classes we had done. I miss the times..

I miss the times.. I miss the days when I was seventeen again...

2006-01-25T19:43:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how much it is for people who barely know you, to celebrate and sing a birthday song for you. This is the first birthday of my life that friends who I considered that I am not really close to celebrated my birthday with me. I mean, the people who I am really close to of course celebrated with me too, but my guild members, who I only meet them for the second time, bought a birthday cake for me!

This is really really touching. I cannot explain how much it really meant to me at that point of time. Somehow or rather I felt I am myself again. I don't know, but from the bottom of my heart I am really really touched by these minute and simple actions they have done for me.

And the badminton girls too. Some of them never even see me once in their life and yet they were up to sing a birthday song to me. I am so touched, so so touched...

At those point of times I realise that the best things in the world cannot be bought. It is priceless. The thoughts of these people doing things just because they appreciate you really just pleased me so much, telling me that there is actually something unexplanable which exists in this world. I do not know what is that, but the feeling of joy in my heart which these people brought to me is simple priceless.

From the bottom of my heart, I really thank you for putting such effort just to commemorate my birthday. I really really really appreciate it. And to those people who wished me a simple and sweet "Happy Birthday" to me, I really appreciate them alot. No one knows how much those mean to me.

And for those who personally called me to wish me, to those really put their busy schedule on hold for a good five minutes just to pick up the phone to call me to wish me, I really appreciate it.

And for those who called and wanted to call and sang a birthday song to me, I love you guys.

Happy birthday to me. I am officially twenty. It is time to behave like one.

2006-01-25T09:36:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to me. I am finally 20. I feel so old.

And I had fun on my birthday. Luckily I didn't get drunk.

Sweet old twenty I am coming.

2006-01-21T20:26:00.000+08:00

Oh I finally found out what is the exact problem for unable to post long entries. It's just my computer; the stupid cache cookie thing. =(

Anyways I had Billy Bombers sometime back and yesterday, I must say that it got suckier everytime I went to eat. The chicken tasted normal, the fish tasted normal, the fries were normal... I mean, 50 bucks spent on such food without any quality? Oh my...

There isn't anything for me to blog about. Life is as usual, boring. At least I get to see my juniors on the way to work/camp. They brighten up my life a little.

Just keep on raining until the end of the days.

2006-01-19T23:29:00.001+08:00

Sometimes I wonder if it is a cause triggers a series of events to happen, things which are bad (or good) happened or felt after a general negative (or positive) emotions sets in. Oh well. It seems like I don't really have any good days to hope for this month. Then again Janaury should be one of the joyest month of the year, due to CNY and my birthday, but oh well things do really change with time...

And all I could think of is just to get things done quickly, although I am REALLY lazy to do it, it is my job ultimately and I am tasked to complete it, at least I did my work before going out to "play", and I hate people giving me that pathetic look, thinking that I am slacking my life away. At least I was some help in one or another way, at least I made someone's life alot easier...

The thing is I do not have the time and laziness dominate me time and again, ceasing me from updating my blog. Anyways I do not have much things to do talk about, typical army life and all, and some general comments on people who I met in and out of camp, in and out of game and around me. There is always a general trend among Singaporeans if I must say, is that we never want to admit our lost. We want to be superior, in an extreme competitive manner, ie snatching things which we want unwanting to give a gimpse on others, and of course, the haughtiness tone of us does not seem to fade away anytime sooner, and we pretend to be a know-all.

All the time I think of what am I suppose to do in the future, the endless struggle with my personality now, ultimately leads to the reason of "why".

I guess it's because of her, again. Someone who I'll never be able to hold onto again. But why her?

Some questions are often left unanswered, never to be touched and even if it does, the answer seems to come directly from the heart, which then again will chain back to the beginning of all questions.

I don't know, it must be the alcohol...

2006-01-13T23:19:00.000+08:00

OMG I didnt update for like 3 weeks already. Anyways it's a new year so yeah, I am hoping for some revalations and changes to myself, and at the same time well, getting things done faster, and be more efficient in the things I do and.. well yeah.

Ok let's recall. I remember I felt so sick that I vomitted. Ok it's not the alcohol. It's something else. And it sucked. Vomitting sucks.

And yeah during new year I went to Cartel, then ECP then PS to have lotsa fun eating and drinking with friends. I mean that is the only time which I can meet up apart from work because work sucks as per normal.

I am promoted. But no one gives a shiet anyways everyone is a friend to everyone there so who cares about rank.

And well I don't really have much things to write... Oh I need to shop for new year clothes and it really sucked. Tomorrow is my chinese birthday and I don't really see anything special and significnat about it. And yeah this year my birthday will be, I think, a dull one, again, like Christmas because I am too lazy to organize any functions and all. Please forgive me. No need for any presents. I am more than happy on people wishing me already. :p

This is getting bored...

2005-12-25T02:30:00.000+08:00

Sometimes last minute decisions rocked too. Apparently the day before Rachel called and told me she was organising this mini gathering at her place asking me to gather some of my dudes out there. All of us happened to be free and yeah we got down to her house for a sumptuous meal of pasta, hash brown and well, nuggets.

Hey don't worry the food is nice. The cake is nice too. And the pizza. I felt really bloated up after the meal. I realised that I was so so so fat after eating them. That's a sin man. =(

My mum asked if I want a iPod video, that latest iPod design and she wanted to get me as a Christmas present. No, I told her I don't want it. I don't want her to waste money on unneccessary stuff like this. I rather get a new phone man. Haha.

Anyways thinking of nothing left to satisfy me for my Christmas gift, she decided to get 2 boxes of Rocher for me. I mean yeah chocolates, and those are my all time favourite choco. Although I can get it, well anytime I want, it's the thought that counts you know? Thank you mum!

I met Felicia on her way back. Well you cut your hair again, and you look alot more mature, ladylike. Keep on going girl!

Have a blessed Christmas to those who are reading. =)

2005-12-19T20:30:00.000+08:00

So what's the goddamn problem of accusing me without looking into any facts? Who cares if it is just a simple question? It sounded against me. It was ridiculous. WTH. I get really irritated when someone, for example, comes up and asks me, "you killed that person? You raped her? You flamed her?" WTH. Whatever.

Anyways King Kong's a nice show, though a little draggy and stuff, I think it's nice. In the future I won't wanna watch 3 hour long shows on midnight, because it will end at 4am =(

Christmas is near soon. This Christmas will never be the same as the previous years, because I don't hope for any presents nor anyone celebrating it with me. So yeah. Because life's greatest gifts are priceless.

I am on leave on 22nd, 23rd, 27th, 29th and 30th.

2005-12-16T00:40:00.000+08:00

I need to cut down on my food intake, and get my ass up to exercise. I am fucking fat now. Really fat and wth. Going gym doesnt help if I don't remove those excess fats in my body. I have to run. To endure with the neverending pain, the breathless moments once again. That is when my mind controls my body. My strong willed mind tells me not to give up, even my legs say so. I go through the great ordeal time and again, at last completing a long distance run, feeling so relieve about myself for going through the pain earlier on, and tell myself I've done it.

Seriously running long distances is a fun thing to do. But over the past years I have not been running and lazing around and thus I ended up like this: Fat. If I have the choice I rather excersie the whole day (run, badminton training and all that) than to sit down in the classroom studying whole day long.

I still have another year and a half to go. By the time I ORD, I'll get my fats down, my fitness up, lead a healthy lifestyle like S.R Nathan and LKY and strive for wealth. That will be my new year resolution.

And another thing. Sometimes I feel fucked up. I take things to entertain myself. Things like what sparkling eyes and some eye candy roaming around camp I was so eager to watch them and such. I just feel bored of life. I just wanna have fun like what I did last time. Disturbing people. Don't mind me. If I have some serious jobs to do I won't bother about all these things.

Well sparkling eyes really has a nice pair of eyes. The thing is, I couldn't get into contact with her anymore. WTH, I ain't really interested anyways.

But well if I DO get into contact with her again, I wouldn't mind another friendship forged. =)

Crazy fella.

2005-12-15T01:03:00.000+08:00

What's wrong with the world? Is it really that screwed up to such an extent that it has to cause such fucked up mishaps upon my peaceful family? All of a sudden when I heard unpleasent news, it really shocked me, what the hell is going on?

I can't help but to feel so helpless now. There is nothing I can do to salvage this problem, only to pray to whatever it is to hope that my uncle is fine...

Yeah. My uncle. When I was young I was really mischievious to such an extent that he hated me, gave me sarcastic remarks on me being a barbarian and even threatened to hit me while grabbing my shirt.

Finally I grew up. he begin to speak to me nicely, treating me like a mature adult. Every gathering at my grandma's house he will be present with another uncle of mine, exchanging funny conversations which kept the ambience up.

He is diagnosed with cancer. WHAT THE FUCK. I mean, ok I ain't that close to him, but to hear someone who I see every other week, cheerful and full of nonsense, really active towards sports and all that, one of my closest relative to be diagnosed with such fucked up shiet disease. What the blinking fuck.

When I heard my aunt cried I felt so helpless. I do not know what to do..

Please, may god bless him... please...

2005-12-08T10:43:00.000+08:00

The side view of her reminded me of you. I was astonished; I thought you came back to my life again. Later did I realise no, it wasn't true at all. Time and again the acquintence reminded me of you, time and again I did not blink when I take a look at her. Time and again you floated through my mind...

The ambience, the place, the designs of everything made me recollect the fun I had a year ago. A year ago, we walked through the beach, we talked through the night... We avoided cats, we were so cold, we walked along the lonely road, side by side...

It really hurts to see things which you have great memories left behind, realising that it will not come back ever again, but just to ponder it for the rest of your life..

When I thought back everything I tried to console myself, at least I had such beautiful memories, at least I had tried to spark off something, at least there was something worth remembering... But then again, it was all in vain, I tried to hold my tears time and again by drowning them into a bottle or two of hard liquor, at least they took me off from you temporarily..

You just don't know how much all these memories mean to me.

2005-12-04T02:05:00.000+08:00

A year ago the most memorable day of my life occurred.

Never will I forget about every single detail of it, for it will always be in my heart, my mind, my soul.

A year later I teared for the effects. Emotionally unstabled I was a few months before.

Things come and go; time goes forward till eternity. There are some things which we can only cherish them as memories, realising that it will never happen again and walk on with life. The only factor affecting us is are we able to let go of these sweet memories to look for ones which are sweeter, more memorable and more cherishable and worthy for the thought.

And scars are not meant to be healed, never will it be the same as the old.

You'll always be in my memory lane.

2005-11-26T20:58:00.000+08:00

I guess sometimes things which are not supposed to be done cannot be done. Doing things your way will not help in the long run. Forcing things to turn for you will not do good either. That was what I'd learnt a few months back.

Anyways it is another weekend again. To some it is a normal Saturday, doing nothing to whole day except to eat or sleep, hoping for something to happen, and to others, they make their weekends fruitful; talking a walk, enjoying the scenery at the beach/garden/zoo/whatever, oogling at girls in town/city, and all that. They create and find their oppprtunity. They look for them instead waiting for it to occur.

Ask yourself, how many times do we really wait for the golden chance to come, and then when we think thoroughly it is indeed one, and then realise it was already gone forever? Or most of the times we go around searching for something to happen, and at last after a long and painful search you finally found the thing you wanted?

My bad. I know I am ridiculously bored, trying to spout out some nonsense for this entry, to at least keep track on what I will feel in the future, what the heck am I writing all these things for, and most of the time it ended up like this: rubbish.

"If there was an opportunity to look for what I wanted again, I would not turn Fate down again, I would never regret the things which I'd done, I never wanted to make you cry again."

Forgive me, I am traumatized by the shiet around me.

I am mad.

2005-11-19T00:24:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I do not know what the hell am I doing. Things which I have done go against my conscience. Oh my god. Things seem to change really tremendously. Office politics is such a chore. Sometimes you don't know whose is your side. The face of truth lies deep within.

I don't know, but somehow or rather I feel that by doing things smartly I can get out of the way. Not really interested in office politics especially when I am only an NSF. And of course the sudden bombardment of jobs stresses me out; not exactly, just that they come at the wrong time, the times which you do not feel like doing anything.

Holy crap I think I need something to ease my pain in my heart.

A SCABBARD!

Anyways I really don't know what to write now. Oh yeah maybe on my daily procedure or what nots but those aren't interesting at all. Maybe some crap about me. Oh. Or maybe some stuff about World of Warcraft.

I need to get a little thinner.

Crap.

2005-11-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

I think this is really crap. I cannot write entries which are too long I don't know why.

Anyways this sucks.

It has been close to a year already. I have lived through my life, not knowing what had happened to you, not knowing how did I ever survive the life without you, which I knew if it was a year before, I would not have.

In fact you have not faded from my mind. You never did.

I guess sometimes it is best to leave things as it is. "Let's just pretend we have never met."

I just don't wanna say that ever again to any other people. You changed my life for the better, you took me out from my misery. And yet, you gave me another.

I miss you so badly. So badly until your face still hangs freshly in my mind. Never have I not glance my wallet every now and then just to remind myself that you still exist in my mind.

I miss you. Do you know that? Haiz =(

2005-11-03T21:50:00.000+08:00

It was so amazing how much we had gone through, the times we had spent together, the roamings around the streets aimlessly, hoping and wishing something would happen, then suddenly we would just think of something simple to do, like perhaps catching a simple show, and so on..
Sometimes days were so stressful that I comforted you. Although it was just a simple "take good care of yourself" or "relax lah", I meant it from the bottom of my heart. The tone did not sound what I actually meant, however things were always seemed otherwise, the mistaken side of actions and words I'd done and spoken.
Then it came whereby I shared things with you. Stuff which I needed someone to confide to. I knew for a few moments you tried to do that to me too, but I was indifferent at that time, never noticed an such who was all along beside me, waiting for me to discover her inner beauty.
After all the thoughts, I decided to tell you how I felt. Naturally it was astonishing. From that onwards, everything changed. Everything changed for the worse.
We started on with minor squibbles. Then quarrels and gradually shouted at each other. From time and again I did not know who was in the wrong. I blamed everything to myself, I held the responsibility of causing the tears in your heart. Somehow or rather everything just came back again, and it became worse.
Then it naturalised again. I was happy. I thought everything could be redone again. No I was wrong. The eventual results was all but I did not desire.
When you were out there somewhere, everything I sat down, thinking and praying for your safety, wondering about your whereabouts, thinking of you time and again. I missed you so badly, so much that I could not even sleep normally. Every night I longed for you to come back again, telling me that you are still there for me, still with me like you always did.
But things turned the other way round. The day you told me to discontinue everything was the day I started to break down. It was the day I started to get drunk. Drunk for the first time and I did not know what I had done that night. Smoking was bad. Somehow I was overtaken by something so devastating, breaking down and submitted to the cigarettes which I had previously sworn not to take any of them.
I took 4 months to recover the agony. Everything went well and I got on with life, erasing the memories I had with you. Everything regarding you was put aside, out from my heart, out from my mind.
After a year of agony, somehow we have to accept things will not change ultimately. I still feel the pain in my heart. I still feel the devastation, the regretfulness, the everything. I tried every single way to get rid of you, but I just could not, for one thing you left without even looking into my eyes, for one you left without even saying goodbye...
Deep deep inside my heart, no one can convince myself to forget about you, because you left a great impact upon my life, my everything. I felt lost, and still feel lost up till now.... and I know eventually how much have I longed for you, we must understand that we are not meant for each other, anymore...
I just can't take the agony anymore...

2005-10-26T22:45:00.000+08:00

This world is polluted. Poisonous dust are everywhere. The Earth is getting warmer. The streets are getting dirties. The air is stained with by products of wasted materials. Deep down everyone's heart, they are backstabbing one another.

Result is? Everything gets worse. In order to restore peace, violence must be used. What the heck? People backstabbing, sabtoaging and doing all kinds of nonsense just to get their ass polished. A wonderful environment like HQNCC turns out to be a world of darkness which lurks deep within the heart of the society.

And? Money's first priority. It turns the good to evil, the bad to evil, the blessed to evil, the kind to evil, the holy to evil; everything to evil. What seems to control the economic structure has become something which corrupts the society of mankind, even more.

It generates a series of fluctuations of the human genome system, leading to all kinds of unwanted, or unaccepted characteristics to roam around Mother Earth. Men who are murderers, serial rapist, people who attempt to exterminate one another due to their difference is beliefs, smaller scales such as people attracting attention is a very revolting manner.

And everyone says "look at the better side of life" or "the grass is greener on the other side" and all that. Problems arise are only due to a few factors like money, love or for the sake of god, everything else which aren't problems are treated indifferently until a problem arises.

It's time to exterminate the world. Mother Nature is doing it. You can see them on the papers.

WTF I am crazy.

2005-10-22T23:06:00.000+08:00

I confine myself at home for the past two weeks without going out for social interaction and such (except to Wala Wala for the live band and the alcohol). Seriously army life is just all about doing so many things which you want in a short time (like 2 days?). Everyone's studying, or working, or just simply do not wanna go out.

Or everyone's out with their girlfriends because they have not been seeing them for the whole week and it's a jolly good time to make out during the peaceful, romantic weekend. And simply because of them we lack of someone to do something such as social gatherings.

So my life is only revolving around the Army and World of Warcraft. Anyways I am going to my new unit after 4 months of training for my course. At last. Everyone will be really sad to be parted from one another, for the course has bonded us (well, most of us) together so dieheartedly that we even played WoW together, some even are interested into getting the game to join us, but some others just wanting to camp with their PSP, hug it and fuck it or whatever, and on top of that, saying we people playing WoW are so dumb to spend our money in such a manner, whereby his PSP 'saves' alot more than our game.

Fuck you, understand?

And yeah, going around telling people that you have a BIG, BULGING, INCREDIBLE muscle. Oh where is it found? Somewhere around the thumb? Better grips? For what? To wank? Who gives a shiet?

Oh, I sound like I am flaming someone online. Oh well, no one likes him anyways. But I just choose not to care about what he is like or whatsoever, unless he steals my girlfriend (which is unlikely possible because of his face and character, hahaha). So yeah, anyone in the same course as me will find him stupendiously retarded.

Ok. End of it. Will continue sometime later.

2005-10-11T20:16:00.000+08:00

Everyone else's blog I read do not have any problems about the character word limit, except for mine. Seriously I do not know what has happened, and because of this it turns me down when it comes to blogging now. I blog to keep track of things which happen to me daily, or once in a few days, or something significant which have happened to me, or something which I want to say.

However blogging has rised into a newer level now; a platform whereby involving political influences, the law and even minute difference between social relations (like student-teacher relation). Something written by bloggers to mark their significant point of time, their rants and all are eventually getting the nerves of the law, as a result, suspensions (from schools, or other lighter yet humiliating punishments) or jailed.

In the past when blogging was still immature, people often had a "freedom of speech" thing. However nowadays when blogging becomes an international subject, everyone is looking at everything from everywhere just from the click of their mouse; personal life exposed, sexual fantasies revised, remarks and perpetual rants marked down and actions taken...

So sad. What am I suppose to talk about in my blog nowadays? About what am I doing in the army? (I will get tracked down and skinned for that). Whine about the world? (Redundant compliments will be exchanged) Or simply shut the hell up?

Welcome to the real world.

zzz

2005-10-01T22:18:00.000+08:00

So blogger.com has officially limit the number of characters written per entry? It means I can't whine as much as I want but instead I need to control the number of shiet which I write? zzz

Ok I am down with flu. Stomach flu. It feels like hungry yet wanting to vomit. I am given 5 different types of medicine for that and my ear.

Army life is bored as usual.

Travelling from Tampines to Boon Lay is NOTFUNNY at all. Have to rush for places to sit, and have to do nothing but read newspapers and sleep on the way there. Ass damn pain ok?

Oh yeah, there aren't any exercises done in the army. As a result, I am getting fatter. So much of thinking I can get fit or something like that when I enter the army.

I AM FRIGGING BORED DURING THE WEEKENDS! Someone please ask me out. Apparently everyone's busy except for me.

2005-09-27T22:24:00.000+08:00

What is wrong with online blogging nowadays? Three people got charged for racism remarks, secondary school student got caned in front of the whole school for tarnishing a teacher's reputation and spurring vulgarities at him online. Online thoughts got involved in crimes and offences in the present?

Well racism remarks. Come on. Let us stop denying that there will never ever be such thing as "equality" in this world. As a result groups of people often look down on other groups and unpleasent remarks are exchanged in the process. Our society is trying to improve such circumstances by organising functions and commemorations such as racial harmony day and all that. I mean, well it is a well thought move by our leaders and I must not deny that most of us live in harmony throught the years. However by totally minimising and eventually eradicating it is impossible. Get down to earth and face this sad truth: Prejudice and discrimination will exist as long as the human civilisation lasts. Perhaps what we can do is try to tolerate the crap. Yeah. One man's meat is another's poison. You may not like the way others do but they still have to do it, and vice versa. Sometimes we are so used to see such "negative" actions dones by a particular group of people that we associate such actions with them. This is prejudice. Unless the human race is equal, with everyone believing the same thing, having the same things, such thing WILL always exist.

2005-09-24T02:01:00.000+08:00

Oh, if anyone has the time, just look out of the window and glance at the sky. It will be either stormed with dark, ominous clouds or just a bright blue sky hanging there. Stupid weather. Wanna rain or shine also cannot decide. Sometimes come at irregular times such as when you are walking on an open area and it rain suddenly. Crap.

Sometimes you have too many shiet stucked in your mind, heart, body, hands, legs or wherever until you go crazy till a point of time whereby you think you are normal and usual like everyone else. Then you will feel somewhat there is nothing bothering you and you think you rule the world.

Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. If anyone has the money or time to buy and watch this movie produced by Squarenix, please do not hesitate to get it. You will regret if you don't. Trust me.

Anyways my words are of crap lah. No one listens to it anyways.

I still have a small hole in my ear. It affects my hearing and all. Too bad. If I am persistantly asking for repeats, please do not blame me, I am like that, I am partial deaf or whatever you wanna say. I am disabled.

I still can run, talk, walk, slap, fight and shoot you in the ass.

2005-09-22T00:39:00.000+08:00

Is there any maximum characters which I can write in an entry now? I was so pissed when I could not publish posts with long characters and I could with a only a few words. So now even blogger wants to make fun of me. Thank you.

2005-09-22T00:36:00.000+08:00

Things which I have learnt in the army, which apply in a perplex society we live in. (Do take a look).
- First off, no matter what you do, ranging from helping others to accomplish tasks, giving a simple speech, talking casually with friends, standing motionlessly dazing at the sky, or something which salvages the world (killing villians), there will be someone out there who thinks that you are an asshole/fuckwit/dumbshiet/lifeless/crap. Trust me, this is the society, you can never please everyone in your life, so do what is right; satisfy the majority.
- No matter how saint you are, how much you have learnt from your efficacious philosophies, there will at least be someone who you hate him for everything he does. The world works like this, no one in this world is able to work along with everyone else in this world, and ironically the best partners are between people who hate one another.
- The world functions in a way such that everything is relative to another. How do you define something good when there is nothing evil? Thus over the past ten thousand years human beings have evolved to do something "good" for the society, something pleasent which they feel it in their hearts and souls, for instance, giving a helping hand to the disabled, or salvage the world like Superman.
- Which leads to another of my point, how do you define "good" or actions which are "acceptable" and "appropriate"? Not everyone will appreciate what you have done, and thus you will not be deemed "good" or all the other positive comments by him/her/it/them. For instance, terrorists running around killing innocent people. The world is shaped in such a way that their actions should be condemn and they should burn in hell for the rest of eternity. How about the others who supported their actions? These people see terrorists as their "heroes", their savours and sages whereas the rest of the world belittle and criticize their actions.
- Back to the saint work of mine. Whenver you are out to hate or deprecate one particular poor soul, think about what he has done first. If he is liked by others and hated by you only, chances are you are having some social problems, or he has the power to control things around him. If he is reprobated by the others as well, then indeed the problem lies with him (this is just an assumption, not a sweeping statement). There are infinate causes which led a particular being to behave in such an extent that everyone around him/her/it loathes.
-- to feel important. Often murderers committed crime, lacked of attention. They need attention and they turned into vicious actions such as serial kills. They get their public attention and through that, they feel important. Some others attract these attention by of a good cause, to get recognition through the media, becoming rich and famous. Some others do things a different way which normal human beings are not used to it. As a result they are hated, condemned and squeezed.
-- they care only for themselves. Everyone loves themselves. Who doesn't? The first thing you look for in a group photo is yourself, scrutinising how you looked like, what you should have worn and how you should have stood to make yourself more significant than the others around you. Human trait, it's all in the sub-conscious mind.
And some other causes.
The society sets a trend which everyone must follow unconsciously. That is understood. Few who do not comply such trends will be left behind. Trends may range from good to evil, however most of them are out to get the better of us, somehow or rather we are left to run what the society tells us to.
The world is indeed a happy place to live on, it is all the manupulation of the mind which most of us have done it through the psychological influences our parents have brought to us, making us understand that the world works in this way and not the way we want it to be.
Fairy tales do not exist. Trust me. Even if it does it will only be a short period of time.
And I have not been blogging for such a long time. I know this post sounds crap. No one reads it too. And blogging has been a politcal issue about racisms and all that crap which are sensitive to the society, most of them are being arrested just because they said things which are in their point of view, how they feel, and others feel that they are "wrong".
Welcome to the real world.

2005-09-18T16:06:00.000+08:00

I just wrote a post which was deleted. Fuck.

2005-09-06T20:29:00.000+08:00

At least the tides have turned a little for now. I am recovering; I can hear clearer now, no more severe blocks and sharp, irritating pains which occur frequently and all.

Maybe it is time to move on to reality after so much of fantasy and dreaming for the past 19 years of my life. The reason why I did not do what I suppose to these few month is because I am still indulge in my wonderful world of fairy tales and all that, in the process trying to heal myself with all the crap I have suffered in torment in the past.

Oh, everyone thinks that I talk rubbish half the time. And when I speak the truth, no one believes. Oh well. This is natural. All my general facts and figures have turned into worthless crap.

Maybe the reaons are I am so irritating that you do not feel like hearing me whine anymore, or something like that. Maybe I am persistent to some crap (Oh I am not), or maybe I did not do anything to show how much I appreciated you in my life, or maybe I just talk too much of crap about my army and my sad sad life and stuff and all.

Haiz. Sometimes I wonder if I need a psychologist or a psychiatrist to consult to, to listen to ALL my crap so that I will feel better, telling them the problems which I faced, and give me some medicine to put me into deep sleep and either 1) never wake up or 2) wake up without recalling any shiet.

I need a new direction in life. My roads are either blocked or under severe construction, or some beyond the repair of a normal being.

Kinda sad. This is the only place which I can just whine my sorrows out, to let the whole internet know how I feel without me evening knowing who the hell knows, and who the hell cares. If anyone is pissed reading my crap and stuff of all these, please kindly, leave.

More than half of the people who read this do not give a tiny fuck about it. It's ok. I am starting to get used to be neglected and placed aside already. In no time I will be someone who doesn't give a shiet about the world and vice versa. How nice?

Shoot me, anyone.

2005-08-31T23:28:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about the future.

I would like to have a car, maybe 1 or 2 years down the road, been in some secret project of earning big bucks, may or may not work out.

Who cares about the Army? Alright hope the next 1 1/2 years of mine will not be as dreadful.

I would have my house renovated down the road, or maybe buying a newer and bigger one, I won't wanna change my bed, because it is the best.

Computers... yeah my CPU needs upgrading, anytime soon. Maybe I'll wait till I ORD, then get the latest parts at that point of time (computers are constantly upgrading you know).

Handphones. No cameras phones in camps please! Argh stupid SAF rules. Nevermind. I will get one good one after I ORD.

Everyone says that I am getting fatter. This is because the army is feeding me well. So the army is not a bad place afterall ok? I need to lose some of the fats to Mother Nature.

Maybe a girlfriend? Meanwhile, maybe flings in clubs? Hahaha I am an asshole everyone knows that thanks. I never have a good, nice, sweet, fun girlfriend by my side for almost three years already. So sad. I need to get one again. Maybe in the near future. Yeah easier say than done.

That cost a bomb man! Nonetheless money earned is to spent. I don't mind spending on delicacies. Once in a while is ok.

Come to think of it, I will be celebrating my 21st birthday in the Army. How sad is it. You know how important is the 21st birthday of everyone? Not only it comes once in a lifetime, it officially marks the end of your youth, you are getting old dude!

But then again, I may die tomorrow. Sad.

2005-08-30T22:04:00.000+08:00

I am down with flu. This flu is serious. My throat, tonsils and ear are swollen. Yes, Ear. The middle year is swollen. The doc says if it is not treated fast the ear drum will burst and I will go deaf. Ever had such flu before?

Seriously my life is going into a downfall. I am struck with a common disease with an uncommon effect. Who in this world will expect you to go half deaf when you contract with a simple, mild flu?

My ear hurts every now and then.

I do not know what to do. Sometimes I just feel like giving up like I felt many, many times. Jumping down is obviously not a solution to all problems, at least it will stop my mind from controlling my body.

Having a blocked ear does not seem really fine afterall. I have a two-day MC which I stayed at home to recuperate, which initially I thought it will be fine. Well the pain started to get worse, and my hearing started to deterioriate. I know there is nothing much I can do expect to consume my medicine regularly as stated.

Surprisingly I am not worried about what is going to happen to me in the near future of my ear. Maybe I have already given up hope on my life.

Easier say than done. If you tell me that something will eventually go off, just like this sickness of mine will go off and I will recover, then one thing you do not feel is to be me. I had my middle ears drilled when I was in Primary 6 due to excessive mucous stucked in the tube connecting your middle ear to your throat. As a result I could not swim, or to allow water to enter my ears. Till this day my right ear still has the hole in it, and it contains no pressure inside my ear.

I hear less with my right ear, something which everyone of you do not know about me, because whatever I say is deemed as bullshiet. Yeah. Even this entry.

Just shoot me. I'd rather die than to lose on of my five senses.

2005-08-27T01:55:00.000+08:00

The lights got deemer as I walked along the usual path home, that lonely path which I recalled it was not deserted as it is, it was livelier, it was full of happiness and zest, full of enthusiam and felicity. The path home was just like a path of one's life, ultimately we concluded our day with a pat on our back, reflecting issues which are solved and unsolved at the end of the forlorn day.

We human beings are eternal pessimists. At least I know I am, and there is no way you are able to alter the fixed sub-consciousness in all of us. More often than not we try to convince ourselves to look at the brighter side, it is because we have already looked at the dark side. Let us be optimisstic about an action, whereby most of us have already thought about the known consequences.

See, the objective is we should look more on the dark side, then we wlll learn what happens to all of us and we remedy it, not looking at the bright side, acheiving something which is deemed almost impossible.

My heart teared again this time. I confined myself in solitude, in a place which nothing could reach to my very own brittle heart, I shut down every single communication that was made to me, I brought myself to the end of everything, this eternal torment, this pessimisstic points of view of life...

Now it is more than one, two or three factors affecting me, my harmless self. The environment. The people around me. The way the society treated me. The way I treated myself. The way this world is moving towards to. Everything.

Deep inside I feel only the worst feeling no man has ever felt. Deep inside I yield things which are impossible for me to hold on to, for me to get hold of, and for me to let go. Deep inside me there is an endless bountry of suffering confinement, whereby my burning soul is trapped until someone releases me from it.

The smiles on my face were never geniune after you said goodbye unexpectedly. The directions of my life were never straight ever since you decided to walk away from me. The dreams were never the same again when I found my life in search a mess, incapable of cleaning them up. The walks of my life remiained the same. I am suffering.

Save me from the burning pot of fire.

2005-08-24T19:47:00.000+08:00

I cannot emphasize any further how OETI rocked so much. I miss the environment. I miss the people there, the ambience, the structure of learning, the just-right pace of hands on, the instructors, the system, everything.... everything there. Although it is far from my house, I would rather choose to be there if I have another choice, in my NS life. Never I have ever felt so much like a part of something, be it a small event or a big family, this was the first time I have ever felt so much bonding between the people around me... everyone is a part of everybody, we do things together, and never before we gave up on any obstacles laid in front of us.

But things will definately change in this new and, well I would say fucked up environment. I felt unseay, a bad omen I feel. Maybe it is because this is the first time I am in a new camp, doing the same, old stuff, and with different instructors, with different rules and regulations to be followed, different styles and patterns to be understood.

I do not know why, why everytime do I have to feel so suffocated, so uncomfortable, so dreadful when I enterea new environment. I feel like something has been taken off from me, I feel so lifeless, so remorseful, so sad, as if I have just entered a dungeon of solitary confinement. I feel so weak to accept something which I am forced to, something which I do not choose to go to, my freedom is robbed away in that sense, I cannot chooose something I wanted.

The feeling of knowing that you are going to leave somewhere to places new, unfamiliar and you have no choice to rejecit it, sucks totally. Perhaps I am not used to the environment. For long I have wanted to confide my problems to someone reliable, for long I wanted to tell someone, sometimes things may just be so screw up that life just sucked at that moment. For long I though I have found someone who could do that to me, but I was not certainly, entire correct...

I have emotions. Sometimes what I feel may not be the way you feel. You do not know how I feel at that point of time simply because you are not in my shoes. I just need you to be there, not physically, just some words of console and comfort, and that will definately brighten up my day..

I am afraid of telling my problems to people already. I do not want to bottle them up either. I feel my heart cries whenever I do that. The feeling is just simply unbearable. I could not describe. Haiz.

Perhaps the first day did not leave me a good impression of this camp, that was why I feel so down. My morale was so low, so low that I felt like dying. I did not know who to consult to, simply because of my mentality. Maybe some of you will deem me as a childish mindset, or whatever. I need time to adapt myself. I always appreciate the past more than the current when I left them.

I always appreciate the people after I realised that they are actually that nice.

I don't wanna take things for granted either.

Everything just pains my heart so deeply. I could not get what I wanted, I could not find someone to console me, I appreciated everything only to know that I'd lose them.

This world is so remorseful when you look at the side which you really want to change.

Haiz...

2005-08-20T01:06:00.000+08:00

First off, I am currently serving my National Service. I am on course and will be passing out really soon. My course, or platoon, or class is named BTT 19 SA. I love the class. To me everyone of them is my brother, someone who I will trust to keep on another alive during war time. The cohesiveness between us is so strong that nothing can break it. I am proud to be in this course, for solely the bonds forged are so dear to me. Never have I seen such an undying and strong burning passion which everyone shares with the same, one mind. This course is fun, especially with my mates around.

The cohesion BBQ had just ended. It was a success. I could not explain how much fun was it to be with the bunch of guys there who once we thought we were strangers, and never could have achieved a cohesiveness so strong like this. Although not everyone turned up, I must say it was really a success.

The course is coming to an end. Frankly speaking when I first entered the place, I was really demoralised; everything was a stranger to me, I know nuts about nothing. I secluded myself during the first week when everyone was already well off and I felt really sad because for once I thought I had no friends.

Now, they are my brothers.

I will miss you guys when the course ends. Every single memorable event will always be in my mind, and it will be passed down to the younger generations of mine, and spreaded to my friends and relatives, carved on my very own will of mind that I will never forget how much joy we had gone through for the past two months.

2005-08-14T14:06:00.000+08:00

What is wrong with Singtel? 2 weeks ago I applied for the 25mbps 3 months plan and I was told it would be activated within 2 weeks. Yesterday when the technician came down to set up the modem and stuff, he found out that there was not any broadband connections to my house. And apparently Singtel forgotten to activate my broadband connection despite giving them 2 full weeks of grace. Thank you Singtel, and now they are telling me they need an additonal of 14 WORKING DAYS to activate my broadband connection, that is, I only get to use it 14 working days later. Thank you again.

What a screwed up event.

Oh. Went back to school to watch our beautiful drama night performance. It was great, well drama nights have always been great, marvelous and humourous, it never fails to entertain me after a long, boring and desolate day I have to go through.

I miss the auditorium of my school. The ambience, that feeling of nostalgia suddenly striked me when I entered. The days which lecturers conducted lessons, arrowing students intentionally to solve questions given by them, catching students who are sleeping and all sorts of nonsense, and more importantly we have the freedom of doing what we want ie; walking out of the auditorium when we feel like it, for a drink, a visit to the washroom or just to meet someone for the fun of it.

Then came the vapid lectures conducted almost every single day for different subjects. Noise level was high, sometimes it really went to such an unacceptable extent that I just simply walked out of the room to clear my ears. Other than that, mingling with friends of different classes and completing last minute work which must be handed in the period after.

Guess what, I have gained around 8kg ever since I entered the army, of course not all are fats, but most of them are. I was shocked and I did not know what to do. Goddamnit. The camp's food is too delicious to be a true SAF catered food. Argh! Help me please.

I am suffering from an unknown sickness. I do not know what will that be. I need a professional doctor or specialist to save me. Please save my soul.

I am trying to attain a higher level of divinity by shutting myself up and telling myself that sometimes things are not worth doing so and I will not have to waste my precious time on things like this.

Everything is worth doing it if I have the faith and confidence in myself like I used to.

I've lost all of them, again.

2005-08-09T20:32:00.000+08:00

Today is my nation's birthday. Happy birthday Singapore. Thank god we have an elite backbone named the Singapore Armed Forces to protect each and every citizen of this nation from threats, wars, disasters... basically the SAF does everything under the sun. Yeah.

A sad thing was I missed the fireworks. It was beautiful through the TV, but you need that atmosphere to really feel how mesmerizing and powerful the flares went and brightened up the entire dark sky. My parent were not home either, so the only thing for me was to drool in front of the television lookinng at those tremendous explosion of the stars.

Another year has gone by for our young nation.

Another day has gone by for me.

I have guard duty tomorrow. It sucks totoally because the entire camp is going to the carnival tomorrow at 10am and they can fall out at 1130am. WTF??? I have to report to camp at 730 am and do guard duty until the next day. Fuck you all, especially you my beloved WSM. Thank you for so much of a biasedness and telling us that YOU ARE BEING FAIR in front of the whole wing. You have done a great job by handling this immaturely and creating a storm in a teacup. __ this is for you.

Come to think of it, 350 bucks per month is way to little to survive in Singapore, don't you think so?

Any upcoming president is willing to raise the pay of your NSF? They not only serve the nation by training so hard that they have to burn their Saturdays and Sundays, but they are also told to do fatigue duties and to guard their beloved camps! How about it?

Show me the money.

2005-08-02T22:22:00.000+08:00

Most of us have an inner self. An image which we choose to hide from the harsh reality, the cruel and avaricious society. The reasons are no doubt dependant on the individual, however many of us sure do feel the same way when we are stucked in some absurd and acrid situations.

A tough, herculean man who has a soft spoken heart, perhap by nature, the looks portrayed seems to be decieving in most of the situations. Soft spoken, soft hearted and kind by nature.

Conversely someone who looks innocent may have a fiery dragon roosting inside him. Time and again flaring up is not an unusual matter for him, for it may also be dependant on his personality.

This world is indeed balanced in some ways which everyone tends to overlook due to the ever growing society we animals live in. When there is good there will definately be evil lurking somewhere, something which balances off the positive factor and eventually a neutral state will be achieved.

In science, everything is a counter-balance of another; forces work in pairs, charges which eventually cancel out each other, even an ultimate state of emptiness known as a vacuum is said to be a resultant of energies cancelling out with one another.

True to a certain extent.

So ultimately, the world will go back to it's original state one day. Perhaps it takes a few billion years, or perhaps down to a smaller scale, it will take a few days, or weeks.

What goes around, comes around is another part and parcel and inevitable in life. It may not be believable or true, but somehow or rather what we do to others will ultimately come back to us, sad to say, it's the undeniable truth of how diabolic actions this world has crafted by the very personnel who tried to avoid them.

This world is not a good place to be afterall. Good things are short lived, enjoy them while it is possible, which happens to be one of the most important factors in humanity; the spirit to accept things which at times do not go accordingly, taking them into a positive accounts, and soothing themselves by comforting words such as the next will be a better one, and time and again when we try to get something we want to cherish more than anything else, only to find out that we are wasting more than anyone else's time...

Indeed people live happily ever after, for most of us we are forced to indulge in such circumstances to 'live happily ever after' even though the things surrounding us eventually are not the absolute we hope and yield for, and we choose to accept life as it is, realising that the 'perfect world' does not exist in anyone else's mind...

The mind is a great tool. It determines the near full percentage of what your ability sorts to. And because the mind is so powerful that we are classified and higher order beings, ruling the lower intelligent lifeforms dwelling the Earth over the millions of years.

Somehow or rather, my powerful mind tells me not to delineate the world as a horrible, ambigious one.

Somehow or rather my heart tells me I am beyond hope.

2005-07-30T20:24:00.000+08:00

I feel so lonely, someone please kill me.

Perhaps this world is not enough for me, perhaps this world is too wide for me.

Perhaps the things around me do not satisfy my desires.

Or perhaps I am never happy with the things I have, and eternally hoping for the impossible to come true.

Or perhaps things may come true one day, for as long as I am willing to work hard for it.

The only slight defect is, where to start?

Ever since I told myself to get my feet up since the start of the year, I have been thinking of ways and means to achieve something which satisfies my inner desires and my strange and unfathomed thoughts.

Until now I don't find the utmost solution to it. Could it be the high demands I want? Or could it be I never really thought about it at all?

The world has too many redundant factors to be considered and put to use.

And I brooding over such useless matters which only cause more white estringing hair to pop out my my scalp.

Sometimes I wonder how will it feel to have someone to be by your side again, sharing your woes, your cryings, your happiness, your everything with you all the time. Time and again when you feel delighted, you have the desire to share it with your companion.

Be it nothing or everything, she will always be there for you. Be it the rants or the sweet talks, she will always be the one compromising.

Be it the times spent are longer or shorter than usual, she appreciates every single tick of the clock with you.

Be it the pains she goes through for you, and in times it is even left unknown to you and until you only find out, the love deepens further down.

I need someone to stand by my side again.

2005-07-23T19:26:00.000+08:00

More often than not people appreciate things only when they are gone, only realising it is so precious to them and regretted not cherishing them when they were around. It can be almost anything; loved ones, simple objects with a certain sentimental value or even routine works of your life.

We tend to take things for granted when they are around us. That is human nature, people living in this busy society often overlook what is so dear and important to them only when these things or people vanish from them suddenly.

For most of my friends who know me, I play badminton. Although I am not some professional or whatever, I treat it as a sport which I can find relaxation and fun in it. I love that sport.

Then suddenly my racket broke today while playing. Ok it is only a racket, no big deal, anyways it's only 65 bucks, cheap stuff, it can be replaced in no time.

The thing is I have a sentimental value of it. The sport I love cannot be played without that racket. Often than not I did not appreciate what the racket could have done for me, accompanying me to games and all that. Now it's gone, I have started to feel that it was such a powerful tool for me and it is gone forever.

I do not know how to start appreciating people around me. Maybe that is my weakness. When they were around me I did not show the utmost support and concern, but only to realise that I have regretteed not doing things which I suppose to do when they are gone.

This racket is not the only lesson I have be taught. Previous years events which occured upon me brought up the time and again regretfulness which was felt in me. I let those who are precious to me slip away from my very hands, and until that I felt so hurt which nothing could have bring them back to me.

Not matter how much regret I have suffered for the past years, life still goes on. I am for one who feel really emotional when it comes to things like this, which concerns feelings and all sorts of that rubbish you can mention.

If I have that one chance I would choose to get back the things which I have lost and cherish them and appreciating them.

Maybe the world will be a better place if everyone appreciates one another, and we will die with less regrets and remorse.

2005-07-19T21:04:00.000+08:00

Let's talk about something which everyone loves, and sadly most of us do not have it: welcome to the world dominated by the Almighty Dollar.

Fast fact: If one day the world's wealth is acculmulated and redistributed to every single person on Earth, each and everyone of us will receive approximately 1 million dollars, ie everyone will be a millionaire here!

I just got a rant few days ago by someone telling me off that I am a spendthrift. Yeah I do agree with the 350 pathetic bucks I receive every month is totally miserable and I NEED to learn how to save now (learn? Since when I don't know about that term??!) or never.

I ain't rich, but I ain't poor either. At least I have some bucks to spend throughout the week, the month or even the year, based on my own savings, but I know it cannot last for long...

Sometimes most of us worry about our finances; the problems which are created by the simple Dollar and by the system which runs it; there is bound to be someone to balance out the see-saw. The Normal Distribution curve predicts and separates the aflluent from the rest. The economy will remain in that state for at least the next few hundred years unless a Money Revolution is performed. So if you want to be at the either ends of the curve, you either have to work really hard, think faster and better than the rest or, spend your money like crazy.

Money isn't everything. People can be happy without them, but it depends on the defination of happiness. Health is wealth, some say, and it can never be so true.

Perhaps I ain't stingy or something close to that; I know when to save and how to save. I love to spend money on food, luxurious ones and as a result a month's pay can vanish within a week.

Oh, did I just mention that everyone will have a million dollars? Continuation: 5 years later the cash will flow back to it's original state.

2005-07-18T21:09:00.000+08:00

Time and again the defination of life and death wanders in everyone's mind, heart and soul. The emotional changes and variations come and go; setting back forth the true and unintentional feel of one's mind, sometimes what has to been mentioned are not said...

"... forgive and forget..."

It isn't that easy to forgo heart shattering activities and actions, times and places it took to occur and happen....

It wasn't difficult to say out what you did not want to do, what your mind was not wandering and thinking, it would just bring you into a world of doubtfulness, a world full of crooks and lies, a world full of unhapiness and sorrows...

"... forgive and forget..."

Did you not think that it was so undeniably painful and hurt the heart felt when the damage was being done. The degree was beyond description; the scald was scorching hot, exorbidantly hurtful. How could I have ever forgetten about the things you had done to me, and yet you walked away without saying a word, treating anad acting like you did not care? How torment that torture was, how excruciating that pain was?

"... forgive and forget..."

Some phrases are meant not to be forgetten, however difficult to achieve...

"... forgive and forget.."

How in the world you expect me to do that? Sometimes the sight of you just loathed me, and yet in the past it was the opposite. It was the other extreme end of it.

Ultimately it was just how the way the world works...

Ultimately life is all about ups and downs; downfalls which craft you to appreciate your peak, not to take it for granted, for it will not last for eternity.

"be with you till eternity" is just a crap phrase which everyone loves to use it.

And I'll like to be with you till eternity.

2005-07-17T13:35:00.000+08:00

It has been a week since the last entry of mine, don't worry, I am still alive and kicking, I am not dead yet, so it's sad for those who want me dead, I can't fulfill your wishes. Ok the reason was I have nothing to blog on, nothing interesting has happened to me, yeah and you don't wanna know about my army life because every single man who got enlisted into the army WILL share their cock and bull stories with others. Trust me. It HAPPENS.

And yeah that's the reason why I write this entry a week later, because I still have nothing to write.

Ok anyways University's starting, around these few weeks or so, too bad I am in the army.

Oh wait, in fact I have alot of things to write, but it just simply can't come out as words on the screen, how? Kill myself?

I must say I really missed my schooling days. Yes, although half the time I was chased by teachers, late for lectures and all that crap, it was still enjoyable. To those who are still studying, or simply just going to school, cherish your days there, be it not doing any work, procrastinating, getting a serious lecture from your tuitions or getting laid by your boyfriends or girlfriends, please enjoy them, because eventually you will think back and these are the memories which will be preserved in your heart and soul until the day you leave this sad and pathetic world.

In this world you will never have anything perfect. Perfectness is beyond our reach, so forget about that million dollar that you are gonna strike from lotteries (unless you are damn lucky), and it doesn't mean if you have the money you are happy, it doesn't mean that you are happy, you have the money and it doesn't mean that you are poor you are fucking sad.

Of course, if I have the money, I will be happier.

Time and again human beings search for eternal happiness through wealth, neglecting what are the other important factors surrounding them such as health, love, blah blah blah. Too bad. They are gonna die soon.

I find love one of the strangest emotions on Earth. The reason being you have different types of love: the love for your pet, for your parents, grandparents, your friends, your belongings (for instance, my mp3 player and my computer), your wife, your mistress, you car and all that. Yeah.

And we have the simple emotion called hate. You do not have variable versions of hate; I don't hate you more than I hate my room, you both equally suck and all that. Get the idea? When you hate you associate that particular object with another "negative" object, such as "she sucks, she is just like a bitch." Yeah something like that.

And something just struck into my mind again, to those who are still studying please do study hard, do not be like me, screwing up my O levels while my prelims for it was not too bad, getting a goddamn 15 points won't really get you anywhere in a few years time, and getting AAB for A levels isn't a big deal because there are more Aces there which you need to compete with them.

Screw my O levels especially, what the hell have I done during my Secondary 4 days?

I screwed around, not studying, got a girlfriend and spend 3/4 of my days with her, and all that.

OH WAIT! I AM NOT SAYING SHE SCREWED UP MY O LEVELS!!!!!!!! NOT OF THAT SORT PLEASE.

She was great. Oh well, who cares about my O levels now, no, it's not her fault. It was because I was too playful, playing warcraft III during night studying times, and IN THE MIDST OF O LEVELS! I am crazy. Yeah. Please shoot me. Where is Fel again? (Lol when I wrote this it reminded me of you)

And all in all, life is all about ups and downs, you maybe poor, but you have extraordinary brains which helps you along your entire life, similarly you maybe rich, but without your friends with you are as good as nothing.

Oh yeah, I wnt NDP tickets! Anyone who has lobang please tell me ok? I hope NSFs have some advantage over getting those tickets, parades are cool man, and tiring! And the fireworks, explosions of the stars in the sky with different colours brightening up the entire night, blasts with are so deafening that you don't give a shiet because the flares are too mesmerising to neglect for.

I sound like a goddamn ku niang now.

"My dreams were empty, since the day you slipped away..."

2005-07-08T20:04:00.000+08:00

Great news of the day: I accidentally spoilt a rifle while repairing. SAR21. Great. You know what's the penalty for damaging a weapon? 7 years in Detention Barracks. Ok lah not so jia lat. Maybe a week or so. Oh, DB is just like a prison for military personnel. Sad. Hope I will not get into that damn place.

Ok let's sort this thing out. If I sound rude or crude or somehow I apologize ok. I don't mean that. Ok whatever. 90% of the population will THINK that I mean it and because of that they will ASSUME I am rude and all that and they will JUDGE me without knowing how I feel. That's human nature. I don't blame it. I act indifferently towards it.

I am a problematic child. Yes. I give LOTS of problems, for instance damaging the goddamn rifle, complaining about almost EVERYTHING under the sun such as why the hell must I get posted to such a far place at Bouna Vista when I live in Tampines, not thanking god that I get to come home to sleep everynight, getting up so damn early in the morning, feeling so jealous of others who can sleep a lot later but reach the camp on the same time.

That's not all yes. I have LOTS of problems too. I have severe attitude problem. A big one. Yes. I talk like a goddamn holigan (which more or less can be understood through the entries I've posted), I walk like I own the whole world and I stare people like they owe me lotsa money, say, 100k each.

And one of the most severe and uncurable problems I have ever had is my love life. Yeah. Love life. All I have are flings and all that which I considered wasting of my precious time and money on all these stuff. Perhaps people with lotsa flings won't get to find their true love, or is it only me? I strongly think so.

But I am different (or am I the same as everyone else). I treat almost everyone the same. Ok yeah maybe sometimes if you are such an asshole which I don't really like you during school days, just that I've seen you bloody face and I know that you are the one pain in the ass fella there, and suddenly, somehow or rather I have to face you to accomplish some tasks, although indirectly, ok those are the scenarios which I'll definately withdraw you out of my "carelist". Too bad. I just do not like your face unless you can prove me otherwise.

Or maybe sometimes you are the one my heart tells me that, yeah you are the one. (ok there are many the ones out there, and this applies to ladies only please, I am not gh3y). I don't know. But usually what I say to these people (Ok, person, not people, I do not have THAT much ones around me. You get what I mean.) is true. Maybe towards a certain extent or whatever.

And when things don't work out well (Ok sometimes life really sucks when things won't work out well twice or thrice in a row, that's what I am experiencing now, and yeah you all can fucking laugh for all I care. I suck at all these), something will occur. Yeah. Just like those idiotic assholes who never thought og London could win the 2012 Olympic Games host and they started to do funny things which caused alot of people injured. Fuck them seriously. Things obviously did not work well with them.

Yeah back to the topic, when things don't work out well such things will occur again. Things like whatever we had previously will be really difficult to retrieve back, because basically everyone in this world will THINK that you will repetitatively do the SAME OLD THINGS to get things well again. Ok I admit, who doesn't want things to work out well for himself? But wait, we are humans, at least I am one, or I CAN be considered one although I am evil, nevertheless not to such an extent which I can be considered as a beast, I understand that things I do, many will mistaken as the "SAME OLD THINGS" will resurface or at least people will think that I THINK that will happen. Sounds complicated? Ok well wait, as far as I want it, I know there's a limit to everything. I know how to think, please. Please. Please.

Yeah like what I've said, perhaps things weren't ready, and I NEVER liked to discuss about all these things, ok, I've gotten sensitive for the past year and I feel a little awkward while discussing all these things, which I of course if possible, will try to wait for the right time to come and shoot it out. Yeah. But somehow or rather I don't understand why these have to happen right here, right now, at this point of our lives, at this point which I AM SERIOUSLY NOT looking forward to life, due to firstly, the conscripted army of our beloved country, secondly I NEVER had enough money, thirdly I feel that I am such an anti-social son of a biatch in camp and lastly why can't I have what I wanted back again.

Which brings me to this point of what I am really trying to say.

Firstly I am not ready for anything, everything. I am not ready to graduate out from that stupid course of mine, ain't ready to go into Uni (duh) and most importantly not ready for such things to happen between you and me. So why did we talk about this then? The reason's simple, it hurts to hide in there. It's better to let it all out before I get crazier and start to take my rifles out to spray at people.

Secondly, too bad everything's out. I've expected things will be like that, with you complaining to me being so tired about everything, and me, of course I never said all these to you because seriously would you give a shiet?

Thirdly, yeah, I also want to share my ups and downs with you. Of course I want. For the past months I've been doing that. As I've said, too bad, shiet has been out, so I am still wondering if I can do that.

Oh wait, I didn't say that it's ok if those things are not done. Please understand. It's never ok, never. Have I not told you how much you meant to me?

Forthly, people reading this will be laughing and find it so damn stupid that why the hell am I talking about all these things, oh perhaps my flings will come and say "Here he goes again with his lame crap getting everyone hooked and all that". Oh seriously I don't give a fuck please.

The reason is simple. My heart (yeah that piece of muscle right at the centre of your lungs, ok, slightly left, covered by your ribcages) tells me (no it doesn't talk to me, it pumps blood into my brains and the blood contents said all that) that you are simple the ONE. Yeah. The one referring to someone who I can confide, blah blah blah, I am sure you know what I am referring to and saying, love, like, care, hate.... no not hate of course!

Too bad they say it takes two hands to clap. Oh in this case I am being slapped.

I don't mean to be nasty or anything. I wrote all these because sometimes I felt really frustrating bottling up all these things inside me, and I feel really F up when I just cannot figure out what I wanna say or do, you know, I have this feeling in me that it really sucks sometimes to have words not mentioned out and have teared not flowed out.

All I want in the ultimate end is of course a happy ending for both of us. Of course not those fairy tales whereby the princes and princesses will live happily ever after in a stupid palace full of maids and servants wiping their asses every single day, but in reality the context is different; you may end up together, or separate ways (happily lah duh), but it's still a happy ending, right?

The way you put your words into action is a little overboard. You made me think that I do not have the brains to differentiate what is a friend from more than a friend or an apple from a pear. I do alot of thinking, more than anyone else could have imagine. I do alot of reflections and all that you all may considered nonsensical and redundant. Yeah I love to do rubbish things ok?

Oh and if you guys find some emails or bulletins or blogs or whatever and you come across this phrase "to love someone is to let him/her/it/them go", it's true, although sometimes the wordings maybe be irritating with crap colours or aLtErNaTe cAps. Please bear with the curious ones ok?

Yeah it's true, and of course something truthful is something which is done or have to be done. Believe it or not it's up to the others.

Eventually I still hope to get what I want, by the selfless, smooth and natural way. What the hell.

Sorry for such a long entry. Thank you very much for reading till here. It shows that I ain't writing rubbish. They are from my heart.

2005-07-04T22:16:00.000+08:00

Deep down my heart,

The feelings came submerged, right from the start.

Years and eons have passed,

Those remained unchanged, only to grow a little stronger day by day,

Eventually I still choose to sink them down deep inside,

To close all other entries and windows for new ones,

Because those feelings are true,

True to the one who I bear,

To the one who I love,

To the one who I could ever asked for.

2005-07-03T22:55:00.000+08:00

You will release that weekends are very precious to you when you go out to the society to work. We spend our weekdays working, studying and doing things which improve our standards of living so unwillingly that we forgo what is the purpose of all these... We want happiness in it..

One life to live, and that's it. Should we look for happiness in things which we possess, or stuff which can never or nearly impossible to achieve?

Either way, both are something worthwhile to look at.

Just like you, you are the best that I could have ever asked for. If you are the one who I can find eternal happiness, I don't mind sacrificing my time and effort to live happily ever after. For you I'll do anything, but sometimes I am afraid I might do the wrong things.

I may not have the time for you. But deep down inside my heart you are always with me, time and again I cannot concentrate well on what I am suppose to do but just to have you hovering around in my mind. If I have the ultimate choice I'll rather forgo everything I have now just to be with you, just to be there to pamper you, to be there for my princess, to be there to hold you in my arms...

It may not be the case of easy flow throughout the journey, but ever since I've met you my life was resurrected. You gave me the feeling which was never to be felt for the second time again. But I want to feel that way again, the way of rejuvenated happiness, the carefree soul in me, through your beautiful smile, your innocent gestures and the constant "reprimandings" I've got.

You're just the perfect one I've found when I first met you. I never looked around again. If I have the chance now and I won't want to take the risk, when will I get another chance from you again?

You're just my everything. Without you, there isn't any happiness found in me anymore.